Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #2

TITLE: Sign of the Star
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Someone approaches, the winds tell me. A rider.

Silently I welcome the winds in return. Though I may journey for the next year and a day by myself, healing and helping others with my landmaiden’s talents, at least I will not travel alone.

The road to the mines—really a dirt path barely wide enough for a wagon—is empty this sunlit afternoon. Those passing through Porden did so earlier, if they traveled at all, for the mines are a full day’s hike from town. I doubt that anyone but me has gone anywhere today. Last night was the rite of Midsummer’s Eve. Mother and I led the people in the sacred celebration, honouring the new season with dance and song. When we slept at dawn, we were hardly the last to retire.

I step to the side of the road in time to see the grim-faced rider fly past on his chestnut horse, the whisper of a breeze in his wake. I cough at the dust kicked up by his flight. But I do not have time to wonder who he could possibly be, for before I can, the mount’s rear hoof catches on a protruding root, and the beast pitches its rider, foundered.They have been with me my whole life, these winds—or at least for as long as it has mattered. Warm Northern breezes swirl through the cedars and caress my face the moment I leave Porden that first afternoon. They linger as the day wears on.


  1. I really like this! The wind element is very intriguing, and I adore this genre. I'd definitely keep reading. My only suggestion is to make a new paragraph after "the beast pitches its rider, foundered," because the next bit about the wind seems like a separate thought.

    Nice job. :)

  2. The sense of time and place I get from this is Arthurian, with horses and kings and magic that's misunderstood.

    I agree with Stephanie that the winds need to be a separate paragraph from the description of the horse/rider.

  3. I agree to separate the 2nd-last paragraph into two. Also, agents often talk about building an emotional connection to the character as soon as possible so that we actually care about them when they experience the inciting incident of the story. So I think it would be great to establish more characterization in this - or at least some underlying tension. What are the stakes? Nice job overall though : )

  4. All and all, nicely written. Unfortunately, I'm too literal to offer much advice. I'm less interested in the wind than that of the poor rider pitched from his horse. But I do admire your creativity and style. So don't pay attention to me. :)