GENRE: Paranormal Romance/Fantasy
In horror, I watched in my mind’s eye as Arianwen danced, macabre-like, before falling to the ground, rolling and smothering the flames that crept up and over her body. Her banshee screams rent the morning air, while fire licked and kissed her skin leaving bubbles and blisters in its wake.
As Arianwen lay in the dirt smoldering and crying I felt her intense pain surge throughout her body. Arianwen’s gasps for air are mine. Her pain is mine. Everything she is I am, because I am (was) her.
The psychic and Owen told me I would see and feel Arianwen’s emotions, but I hadn’t expected such an emotional roller-coaster ride. This past-life regression is surreal, and it’s not finished. All I want is to go back to the present day and my body, but I can’t. The past lingers – it waits for me.
The internal struggle against the old memories and feeling her pain course through me is fierce. Arianwen’s pain is washing and taking over me. I don’t fight anymore, I can’t. My end - death - is here.
The air is filled with the pungent smell of smoke, burnt hair and skin. My eyes are closed as I breathe in shallow breaths. The feel of the cool earth against charred flesh is comforting - almost. In an instant I feel them, my betrayers. My rage grows as I hear their laughter and chants surround me.
I love the reincarnation aspect of the novel. And I have a feeling (although I could be wrong) that Arianwen's death is investigated even further. Why did she die? You mention something about how people lie, and it makes me want to connect the two. You've given loads of details and plot, but have kept a lot a mystery to keep the reader turning the page. Nothing critical to add, sorry. I really like this as is.ReplyDelete
I think it would be better if the beginning paragraph was in present tense - it brings on more immediacy, and intensity. If you were watching something happening in your minds eye, it would be dances, fire licks and kisses, I feel her intense pain etc.ReplyDelete
Also, I'd consider changing, 'The internal struggle against the old memories and feeling her pain course through me is fierce.' to 'A fierce internal struggle against the old memories, and feeling her pain course through me.'
I really like this though, and I'd definitely read more:)
I think, for more immediacy, I would have her be experiencing the pain and emotions rather than watching it and feeling it from afar. The first sentence makes me think she's experiencing the death herself, but then it's more she's watching her past self die and feeling it a bit muffled? Perhaps rephrase like this--ReplyDelete
I danced, macabre-like, before falling to the ground, rolling and smothering the flames that crept up and over my body. My banshee screams rent the morning air, while fire licked and kissed my skin leaving bubbles and blisters in its wake.
Laying in the dirt, smoldering and crying, I was Arianwen from long ago, but I was also (MC NAME) watching from afar. Arianwen’s gasps for air are mine. Her pain is mine. Everything she is I am, because I am (was) her.
I like Kimberly's suggestions a lot. Also, you must keep the tense consistent. Past tense is usually best, and paradoxically, can sound more present than present tense. Your third paragraph (a lot) made me laugh. Terrific!ReplyDelete