Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #3

TITLE: Seven Silver Swords: Heirs to the Throne
GENRE: High Fantasy

Sparks flew as the hammer struck the glowing metal. The hammer rang again.  Torches flickered on the cavern wall casting dancing shadows in the dim light.  The forge’s fire crackled and roared.  Steel glowed red.
The hammer sang.  The smith’s strong arm raised the hammer yet again, perspiration dripped from his bulging muscles.  His bald head glistened with sweat.  His bare chest and back gleamed in the red light of the forging fires and the heat they generated.   He swung mightily and again the metal clanked as it was wrought in the smoke filled cavern.
Kroft stood against a wall watching the Mastersmith work.  The figure leaned on his staff, his interest riveted on the workings of the sword.  The fate of the kingdom rested with this sword.  He was waiting for the moment in the reforging when his talents would be melded with those of the Mastersmith.  But there was to be a third member here, someone who also had a part in this.  The question that was on the cloaked figure’s mind was – where is Prince Edwind? 

# # #

 Edwind rode to where Kroft had instructed him to come and dismounted.  He could hear the sounds of hammer strokes from the cave.  What was being forged in the middle of the night?  He wondered why Kroft wanted him at the Mastersmith’s cavern at such an unusual hour. 
The cave opening was not overly large, but he didn’t need to stoop to enter.  His slight frame allowed for that.


  1. I'm a bit lost in this. The first two paragraphs are Kroft watching the Mastersmith work, I assume? But then is he the figure that's leaning on the staff? If so, why is he named and then stripped of his identity? A bit more focus as to whose perspective we're in and convergence of Kroft with his description might remedy this.

  2. Unlike KimberlyFDR, I understood exactly which POV we were in. However, the first scene was so short that it almost felt like it could be a prologue.

    I loved the atmosphere you set up in your first two paragraphs.

  3. Overall, I think the writing is strong. My only piece of feedback is that the first scene is so short. I want more! And right as I get into it, there's a break. A bit jarring.

  4. For my taste, there's too much with the Mastersmith forging away. It's all good, but less is more. I'd like more in the third paragraph. You ask three questions but offer no answers. The fate of the Kingdom, Kroft's special talents, and the mysterious Prince Edwind. I think you could elaborate on at least one of them. Or save a couple for later.

    That said, you've given readers lots to wonder about.

  5. The description of the smith and his forge are beautiful, but it didn't quite feel like it fit in the opening scenes. I was also slightly disappointed when the question of "Where is Prince Edwind" cut to a scene of Edwind just being late (as opposed to being caught up in something exciting/suspenseful/related to the main plot). The title suggests that the sword is important, but I want to know why.