Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #5

TITLE: Transmigration
GENRE: YA/Paranormal Mystery

The scream pushed up through my chest like a hairball that demanded to be dislodged. I swallowed, willing it to expel itself from the hold it had on me. But the pain was clogging my airways, and my attempts were weakening. I willed myself to be stronger, to blink away the fear that was just shown to me. The pain was too much. Relenting, I sprang up in my bed and released the chilling, agonizing scream. And like a girl who had just been exorcized, my feeble body fell back onto my pillow and prepared itself for the calm down process that always followed.

Looking around the dark expanse of my room, I wasn't floating lifeless on the placid surface of a pool, but rather in my bed, a layer of sweat drenching my sheets. I caught a glimpse of my appearance in the full length mirror on the side of the room and cried out. My reflection, if I had to describe it any other way, looked like I just came from a swimming pool. My long brown hair was plastered to my head, wisps of sweaty strands clinging to the sides of my neck. Shivering more from fear than temperature, I pulled my sheet tight across my chest, looking longingly at my purple comforter twisted in a heap at the foot of my bed. With the glow of my nightlight, I could see sweat glistening on my forearm as I stretched out my arm and begged it to stop shaking.

4 comments:

  1. The first paragraph, while building tension, could be condensed just a bit and broken into two.

    The scream pushed up through my chest like a hairball that demanded to be dislodged. I swallowed, willing it to expel itself from the hold it had on me. The pain was clogging my airways, and my attempts were weakening. I willed myself to be stronger, to blink away the fear that was just shown to me, but I could not.

    Relenting, I sprang up in my bed and released the chilling, agonizing scream. And like a girl who had just been exorcized, my feeble body fell back onto my pillow and prepared itself for the calm down process that always followed.

    --

    The pool reference at the beginning of the third paragraph confused me. Was she dreaming that she was drowning? That was the implication I got, later on, when she was actually drenched as if she had been in a pool for real, which makes it more chilling (dream come to life). Perhaps make it more clear that's the connection.

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  2. This sentence confused me, as if she expected to be in a pool: "Looking around the dark expanse of my room, I wasn't floating lifeless on the placid surface of a pool,"

    I do feel like I want to know why she is feeling the way she just did though I almost feel like maybe she just had a dream (hence why she is on her bed) which would not be a good thing to start with IMHO.

    You did an excellent job with description. Kuddos for that.

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  3. I like the first paragraph, but I'll admit I am skeptical of a scream coming up like a hairball. It doesn't feel comparable to me - the way you describe the anxiety and pain...it just doesn't feel like an apt synonym. "Like a girl who'd be exorcised" now that I can get behind.

    The pool bit was confusing - I feel like I know what you meant, but had to interpret the meaning instead of reading it. She's not in a pool when she wakes up but she feels she came out of one? That was confusing to me.

    But I love the voice of the character - emotional, reeling. Really lovely.

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  4. I like Kimberely's suggestion for the first paragraph. But I'd go a bit further.

    Kimberely's:

    The scream pushed up through my chest like a hairball that demanded to be dislodged. I swallowed, willing it to expel itself from the hold it had on me. The pain was clogging my airways, and my attempts were weakening. I willed myself to be stronger, to blink away the fear that was just shown to me, but I could not.
    ---------

    The scream pushed up through my chest. A hairball demanding to be dislodged. (THE SCREAM NOW BECOMES THE HAIRBALL -- CHANGE FROM SIMILE TO METAPHORE) I swallowed, willed it to expel itself NOW THE WORD 'ITSELF' MEANS SOMETHING. My airways felt clogged. I tried to be strong--will myself to be strong. Blink away the fear that was just shown to me.

    But I could not. (Great suggestion, Kimberely!)

    You don't need the rest of the paragraph. It ends perfectly here. (: For the rest of it you need to cut, cut, cut. Lots of good stuff, just tighten it up. Good work!

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