Wednesday, December 14, 2011

December Buyer's Remorse #4

TITLE: The Forces of Heaven and Hell Alike
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

Liam was back on his Harley after only five hours of sleep, heading through Davenport, Wyoming to try and track down the local diner. He promised he'd meet Sid on his way through town, but that was something he was regretting now. When he took over the body of the railroad worker in Buffalo Gap fifty years ago, Liam hadn't realized he'd be suffering from caffeine withdrawal every morning until he had his fix. But when he traded up, he wasn't being picky.

Rounding the next block, the sign for the Davenport Diner came into view, and Liam headed towards the far right of the parking lot, safely away from the crowd of cars. He'd rather not be forced to do harm to some fool who scratched his beloved Road King, even by accident. The altercation in Stewart was still fresh in his mind and he didn't have the desire for a repeat.

Shutting off the engine, Liam saw Sid coming towards him. Unlike himself, the other demon looked like he had been up for hours, filled with energy and illegal substances. On second thought, Liam pondered as he saw Sid's appearance close-up, it was more likely he hadn't even been to bed yet.

“I need coffee,” Liam said with a growl. “Drag me out here way too early and then you're all hyper. Something's wrong with your head.”

Sid smiled wide. “You always said we've got to be crazy in our line of work. I'm just living up to my reputation.”

8 comments:

  1. I like this. The idea of "trading up" a body is interesting, and I want to see where this goes. Demons full of illegal substances is interesting as well, as it makes me wonder if it's affecting the human they are in, or if it affects the demon itself. Demons meeting at a diner amuses me, as it's unexpected. The only thing I might tweak would be the first couple of sentences of the second paragraph. But this does what it should, it entices the reader.

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  2. Ooh this is definitely intriguing, and I'd keep reading. Just a couple small nits:

    "He promised he'd meet Sid" should be "He'd promised he'd meet Sid"

    "towards" should always be "toward"

    That's all. :P Sounds like you've got a cool premise.

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  3. The part about the caffeine withdrawal made me chuckle. Been there, done that.:)

    My only addition would be to describe Sid as he walks up to Liam. Does he saunter up, full of confidence? Is he a heavyset man with heavy footsteps? It's a good place to add a quick description so the reader can picture the character.

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  4. A demon needing a caffeine fix - love it!! I like the "trading up" of a body as well. I'm also curious what their line of work is since they are demons.

    1st paragraph - I'd change it up a bit. Example:

    With five hours of sleep, Liam was back on his Harley heading through Davenport, Wyoming, searching for a diner that he promised to meet Sid at. But he was regretting that now. When he took over the body of the railroad worker in Buffalo Gap fifty years ago, Liam hadn't realized he'd need a caffeine fix every morning. But when he traded up, he wasn't being picky.


    Overall, my interest is piqued.I would want to read more.

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  5. Absolutely love the dialogue in the end there. Same comments as above re: grammar and adding more to how Sid walks up to Liam. Think there can be more there...

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  6. I really liked this. The dialogue was great and so was the hint that Liam took over a body which gives us something to work with from the get go.

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  7. Man, great story! But look, let's reshuffle that first paragraph.

    Original:

    Liam was back on his Harley after only five hours of sleep, heading through Davenport, Wyoming to try and track down the local diner. He promised he'd meet Sid on his way through town, but that was something he was regretting now. When he took over the body of the railroad worker in Buffalo Gap fifty years ago, Liam hadn't realized he'd be suffering from caffeine withdrawal every morning until he had his fix. But when he traded up, he wasn't being picky.

    Now, whatdaya think of this?

    When Liam (Last name needed if first time used) took over the body of the railroad worker in Buffalo Gap fifty years ago, he hadn't realized he'd suffer from caffeine withdrawal every morning until getting his fix.

    After only five hours sleep, Liam was now on his Harley heading through Davenport, Wyoming and tracking down the local diner. He promised to meet Sid on his way through town, but that was something he was regretting now.
    ----------

    Now your first sentence is a real grabber, guaranteed to make folks keep reading.

    Good luck. A very promising story!

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  8. I have to agree with Bill about rewriting the opening sentences. The story interests me and I *really* want to know more, but I also feel like it could be tightened. Eliminate some of the unneccessary words. E.g.: "The altercation in Stewart was still fresh in his mind and he didn't have the desire for a repeat" could be "He didn't want to repeat what happened in Stewart."

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