Saturday, October 12, 2013

Prep Work Round 3 #9


Title: Cltr+Alt+Delte
Genre: MG Fantasy

LOGLINE: Ten kids in Johnson Bays have disappeared. One eight-year-old boy, Theo Stevens knows what’s happened to them. Theo also knows no one will believe him unless he can get the town to see it for themselves.

FIRST 250:

The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. Children roamed free and barefoot. The days ahead filled with games of tag until well after sunset, catching bugs during dinner hours, crickets, and warm breezes off the bay.
“Theo, what are you doing?” Kali loomed over her little brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.
“Um, ah.” Theo dropped the jar, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, making it look like a carpet of blinking lights.
“Why’d you drop them?” Kalliope’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, made him think he was doing something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy?
“I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you,  ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.
Theo scrambled to collect the items out on display: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, Lego links.  Kali continued her inspection up close, zeroing in on what lay out on the asphalt. “Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.
Theo looked around, not knowing what she was talking about.
“You aren’t doing science experiments, again, are you?”
Dusk hung over the bays, just enough to see the glow bugs light up from inside the wide-mouth jar. “You gotta set those fireflies free. You can’t keep ‘em.”
At eight years of age, Theo was the resident entomologist of Johnson Bays Elementary.

7 comments:

  1. I found the logline a bit too vague and the voice of the opening a bit mature for an 8yo. But maybe you character is not a typical 8yo. The second sentence is very convoluted, and might work better broken up. Also, I would mention Kalliope's full name first, then switch to the nickname.

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  2. I agree with Patchi that the logline is a little vague. Given the title and the age group, perhaps you could make it more playful or tongue-in-cheek?

    My comments are in parentheses next to what I'm commenting on.

    The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. (This sets the scene, but is a bit old for the age of the protagonist) Children roamed free and barefoot. The days ahead filled with games of tag until well after sunset, catching bugs during dinner hours, crickets, and warm breezes off the bay. (This is more of a fragment of an idea rather than a full idea. You could split it up or expand)
    “Theo, what are you doing?” (It's very rare that people address others by name, particularly children. She knows who she's talking to. You can use his name later.) Kali loomed over her little brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
    Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free.
    “Um, ah.” Theo dropped the jar, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, making it look like a carpet of blinking lights.
    “Why’d you drop them?” Kalliope’s (Use her full name first, then move to using the nickname) voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, made him think he was doing something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy?
    “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you, ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.
    Theo scrambled to collect the items out on display: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, Lego links. Kali continued her inspection up close, zeroing in on what lay out on the asphalt. “Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.
    Theo looked around, not knowing what she was talking about.
    “You aren’t doing science experiments, again, are you?”
    Dusk hung over the bays, just enough to see the glow bugs light up from inside the wide-mouth jar. “You gotta set those fireflies free. You can’t keep ‘em.”
    At eight years of age, Theo was the resident entomologist of Johnson Bays Elementary.

    I also agree that this reads very maturely. Is the POV going to be all-knowing or simply focused on Theo? You could use the narration as a way to set up Theo's voice and personality. Unless he's very mature (but he sounds a bit shy and tongue-tied around Kali at least).

    Interesting premise (I do love bugs and the title). Good luck!

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  3. I’m not sure what your story is about from the logline; it implies mystery, yet you’re calling it MG Fantasy. You might want to inject some fantasy element(s) in to make this clear. The last sentence is vague and doesn’t establish stakes or consequences, which makes it fall flat. I think it’s great to create questions that make the reader want to read more, but this doesn’t work for me.

    I like the imagery you use, but the dialogue comes across as awkward to me. There are some fragmented sentences that make me pause and re-read, so maybe try reading it aloud to catch them.

    I can’t quite figure out the POV here, but kind-of wish it was more from one person’s perspective so I could ground myself in the protagonist, which I assume is Thomas from the logline.

    Best of luck!

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  4. Hi.
    I liked the logline. The other commenters are probably correct, but I still liked it. I found it exciting and I wanted to read more of your book. On the other hand--I thought it sounded like a mystery too.
    Your 250 words needs some work. I, too, will put my comments in parenthesis.

    The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. Children roamed free and barefoot. The days ahead filled with games of tag until well after sunset, catching bugs during dinner hours, crickets, and warm breezes off the bay. (This sentence is not really a sentence. You can either 1. set it off with a dash or a comma OR 2. change it to The days ahead would be filled...)
    “Theo, what are you doing?” Kali loomed over her little brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
    Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free. (This sentence is confusing. I think you mean that he wasn't actually hurting the insect, but it might appear that he was to someone who knew less about bugs than he.)
    “Um, ah.” Theo dropped the jar, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, making it look like a carpet of blinking lights. (Okay, so here the jar seems to be open since all the bugs fall out--later it seems to be closed.)
    “Why’d you drop them?” (Why does Kalliope care if he dropped them? Later, she'll seem to want him to set the bugs free, so she should be happy that he dropped them because all the bugs got out of the jar.)
    Kalliope’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, made (this verb tense should match the one before--so it should be "making" him--but I'd suggest a little variation here.) him think he was doing something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy?
    “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you, ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye.
    Theo scrambled to collect the items out on display: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, Lego links. (Why is he collecting the items? Is he holding them all? Is he trying to put them away?) Kali continued her inspection up close, zeroing in on what lay out on the asphalt. “Um, what’s in there?” (Why the Um?" She doesn't seem like a character who needs to hedge her words.) She pointed.
    Theo looked around, not knowing what she was talking about.
    “You aren’t doing science experiments, again, are you?”
    Dusk hung over the bays, just enough to see the glow bugs light up from inside the wide-mouth jar. “You gotta set those fireflies free. You can’t keep ‘em.” (How does having these glow bugs suggest science experiments? She saw them in the beginning when he dropped them everywhere, didn't she? On that note, didn't the jar open and all the bugs spill out before?)
    At eight years of age, Theo was the resident entomologist of Johnson Bays Elementary.
    (I like your MC already. Best of luck!)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like the logline. I think the part about him getting them to see it for themselves suggests the fantasy part. I'm confused in the 250 about the jar. He's holding a jar full of bugs, is startled and drops it, they splatter everywhere, then he scrambles to collect saucers, cups, etc.? Where did all that stuff come from? Then his sister points at a different jar? One with fireflies that has not previously been mentioned and is not the one he dropped? I just couldn't picture this scene.

    I think Kali's dialogue is a little telling. I can't imagine a kid listing all the people she's going to tell. Usually they just scream, "I'm telling!" He knows who. And how does one imitate an evil eye? Is it an expression or a hand gesture? I feel like you're trying to give the reader information through her words and it doesn't come across as natural speech.

    I like the premise. I think Kali's voice is coming through much stronger than Theo's who seems way too timid in this scene to carry through as the hero of the story. (which BTW, I think you should use the nickname the whole time--surely at some point a grown-up will use the full name.) Third person omniscient is done best when you let the focus shift when the scene shifts. If you're going for Theo's POV in third person then maybe you could start with him setting out his items and being startled by his sister. And then when she says "You're aren't..." His thoughts could be: She should know him better than that. Or, I would never hurt them, Theo thought. (?)

    Just some suggestions. Hope they are helpful. Good luck with it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. If Theo knows what happened to the kids, tell us. A concrete threat is more enticing in a logline than a vague one. Also, you don't need to use Theo's name twice.

    Comments are in parentheses below.

    The heat of summer rolled into the small community of Johnson Bays. (May be nitpicky, but I'm wondering why Bays is plural. Are there more than one? Later you mention the bay as singular.) Children roamed free and barefoot. The days ahead [were] filled with games of tag until well after sunset, catching bugs during dinner hours, crickets, and warm breezes off the bay.
    “Theo, what are you doing?” Kali loomed over her little brother. “You aren’t pulling the wings off that dragonfly? Are you?”
    Theo wouldn’t actually be hurting the insects, but sometimes his experiments didn’t appear cruelty-free. (whose POV are we in? Is there a way to show us that Theo wouldn't hurt the insects, rather than tell?
    “Um, ah.” (Can he say something more concrete here? Or just 'Theo stuttered.' IMHO, while people do um and ah in real life, it's hard to do in written dialogue.)Theo dropped the jar, splattering iridescent bugs over the ground, making it look like a carpet of blinking lights.
    “Why’d you drop them?” Kalliope’s voice had its way of startling Theodore, making him nervous, made him think he was doing something wrong. Did she always have to be so bossy? (Again, I'm wondering about POV. 'Making him nervous' is a tell. 'Did she always have to be so bossy' seems to be Theo's own thought.
    “I’m telling Mom! And Dad. And Grandpa—can’t tell Grandma--but she already saw you, ‘cause she can see ALL now.” Kali imitated an evil eye. (Love this. Great voice here for Kali, and you let us know Grandma is dead.)
    Theo scrambled to collect the items out on display: saucers, cups, and water bottles with mosquito larva, Lego links. Kali continued her inspection up close, zeroing in on what lay out on the asphalt. “Um, what’s in there?” She pointed.
    Theo looked around, not knowing what she was talking about. (You can cut 'not knowing what she was talking about.' His looking around infers that.)
    “You aren’t doing science experiments, again, are you?”
    Dusk hung over the bays, (more than one?) just enough to see the glow bugs light up from inside the wide-mouth jar. “You gotta set those fireflies free. You can’t keep ‘em.”
    At eight years of age, Theo was the resident entomologist of Johnson Bays Elementary. (These two sentences seem out of place. They could be an introduction to the exchange between Kali and Theo, if they came earlier.)

    Hopefully some of this is useful to you. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You have a very intriguing logline. I immediately want to read about the missing kids. Can you hint at that in your first page? It could be just a hint like they can't venture far from the front yard given the recent disappearances.

    The others have given comments worth considering. You'll figure out what to keep and what doesn't fit your story.

    Good luck!

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