Genre: New Adult Urban Fantasy
Logline: 22 year old Sarah Croshen hates feeling out of place, always different from her friends. A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sends her on a wild ride that reveals nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Winged angels? Demons from Hell? Supreme beings with supernatural powers? Preposterous! But when a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, Sarah is forced to accept her fate. Now she must fulfill her destiny or risk Andrea’s death.
First 250:
He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters. The Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.
The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and beauty, and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.
Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that particular question hadn’t made it on the Warrior’s list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty.
Logline: I think you can get rid of her feeling different in the beginning, only because you don’t use why it matters in the pitch. Also, you say she’s forced to accept her fate; what fate? Maybe change the words in the beginning to tie the fate in somehow.
ReplyDeleteFirst 250:
He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters. The Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.(I’d ditch the “up” only because we don’t grow anywhere else, and it’s a throw-away word)
The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the (this seems distant to me, the “tried remembering” Would he really sit there and try to remember, or just do it?) others. Human time was a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much (I’d get rid of the “so much” to simplify this sentence and give it more power) passion and beauty, and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No (same here, I'd take out the No, because the next sentence starts with No as well, and it's not needed, it just drags the thought out), the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.
Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful (I think you’re using beautiful/beauty too much in this 250, and it’s overloading my brain, maybe simplify your description of him with a few less words, since you’ve dedicated three sentences to Michael, and thus less to the setting) mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that particular question hadn’t made it on the Warrior’s list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty. (This last sentence is awkwardly worded).
I think you’ve done a great job with this; my suggestions are just that, suggestions. Best of luck with it!
I don't think you need to name the detective or the friend. I would take out the feeling out of place and the vague sentences about nothing being what it seems. Focus on the details:
ReplyDelete[A botched burglary sends 22 year-old Sarah Croshen on a wild ride with a handsome detective. But when a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, Sarah is forced to accept her fate [as ???]. Now she must fulfill her destiny or risk [her friend’s] death.
I like the first page, but is it a prologue or is the novel written in dual POV? Maybe if there was a way to weave the Warrior into the logline, the two would complement each other better.
Logline: (Twenty-two-year-old) Sarah Croshen hates feeling out of place, always different from her friends. A botched burglary (She tried to rob something or someone tried to rob her?) and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sends her on a wild ride that reveals nothing is as it seems (Vague). Nothing. Winged angels? Demons from Hell? Supreme beings with supernatural powers? Preposterous! But when a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, Sarah is forced to accept her fate (What fate?). Now she must fulfill her destiny or risk Andrea’s death (Who's Andrea?).
ReplyDeleteFirst 250: He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon (Holy crap, that was a mouthful). Muffled music escaped through the warped rafters. The Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again (Wait. What? I thought the Warrior was male...?). The ones she played when life became too stressful (Oh, someone else. Who?). He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up (This is starting to sound like a vague prologue where the POV is hiding stuff from you. Big no-no).
The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and beauty, and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories (A little confused).
Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was an assignment of the highest honor. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him (Is it normal for male angels to think another male angel is beautiful?). He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that particular question hadn’t made it on the Warrior’s list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty (A little confused. I also wonder if this is a prologue? I have a prologue with mine, but don't use it for contests because I want readers to get to my MC first. Not a side character)
I'd agree with Patchi's re-write of the logline. It's much tighter and I want to underline that you absolutely have to say who she is. I was hanging out till the last line to know (which is a good thing:)) and then you didn't tell me!! I like the 250 - especially the first paragraph and the description of Michael the Archangel. Go, go.
ReplyDelete22 year old Sarah Croshen hates feeling out of place, always different from her friends. (Agree with Patchi, cut the first part) A botched burglary and meeting the handsome detective David Galpren sends her on a wild ride that reveals nothing is as it seems. Nothing. Winged angels? Demons from Hell? Supreme beings with supernatural powers? Preposterous! (These asides are humorous, but not great for a logline this size) But when a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, Sarah is forced to accept her fate. Now she must fulfill her destiny or risk Andrea’s death.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want from this logline is how the botched burglary and demon prince are related. Does the plot start at her 'wild ride' or when her friend is abducted?
I still think the prologue-feeling of your 250 is an issue. It's a good opening, but it gives us no connection to the logline (not really an issue for querying, but it is one for certain contests if that's where you're going with it). Do you need this opening? Is it dual pov? This opening makes it seem like it's just a prologue to make us go 'oh who is this odd girl this angel has watched grow up' which is interesting, but it doesn't start us with the MC's beginning. Since we, as readers, don't know how this Warrior fits in with the MC, why should we care about what they think?
Which brings me to this--it sets the tone and the pace. If it's a prologue, do you really need it or can you fit it in via dialogue somewhere else from the MC's pov. If it's multiple pov, can you swap it with another pov for the opening, or can you alter your logline to be about this character?
However, it's solid writing. Good job on the revisions and good luck!
I'd cut Patchi's suggestion even further. The botched burglary and detective are set up, not the core of your story, which is what you are trying to capture in a logline.
ReplyDelete"When a demon prince kidnaps her best friend, 22-year-old Sarah Croshen is forced to accept her destiny [as ???] to save her friend's life.