TITLE: SHATTERED
GENRE: NA Fantasy
LOGLINE:
Eighteen-year-old Dawn’s no thief, yet she’ll have to be if she wants to save her sisters from becoming demon chow. She’s tasked with stealing a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus—but first she’ll have to slip past its steamy guardian, Kalan. Dawn discovers Kalan has his own agenda, though, and seducing her is the first step in his plan.
FIRST 250:
Don’t look, Dawn. You know what happens when you look.
I looked up. It was inevitable. When you tell yourself not to do something, you usually do the exact opposite.
Crap.
The park vendors swarmed me like a pack of rabid dogs. Their voices tore into me, snarling off sales pitches.
“A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”
“No.”
“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”
“No."
“Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen."
“What? No. Why the hell would I want twelve glowing helicopters?”
I didn’t wait for a reply. I walked as fast as I could without drawing attention. Luckily, the tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park. Turning into a large clearing, I glanced around for Cassie before settling at an empty picnic table.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find one in the shade. The heat was bearable, but the sun had me worried. Ultraviolet rays plus pale girl equaled a sunburn no amount of aloe vera could soothe. Hey, at least I had a gorgeous view...
Who was I kidding?
One half of the park had a dried-up garden with a statue of the plump Lady Fredericton; the other side had a few trees, twice as many picnic tables and a pathetically empty sand pit—
Power washed over me, rushing into my lungs like water. I gasped, my vision blurring. Stupid. I’d been stupid. Letting my mental barriers down was the epitome of stupid. The intruder left almost as soon as they came, but I still sensed them.
Great job! I love how you made the last sentence from her perspective.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any suggestions for your first 250. This works for me.
Best of luck with it.
Fun logline, and demon chow, made me laugh. You create a nice whirwind of activity in your first page, and left me with curiosity to find out, what her power is, and why letting her guard down is dangerous. Nice work. Where's the rest. lol. Best of luck with this! :)
ReplyDeleteHi.
ReplyDeleteI liked your logline too.
I liked the vendors at the beginning and your description of the park. It sounds like a dangerous world that she is in. I had one question. You say "The intruder" --singular, but then use the plural pronoun--- they. I'm guessing you did this because like, in speech, when we don't know the sex of the person we use the plural pronoun, but I'd suggest changing it. It seems grammatically sloppy.
Also, when did she let her guard down? When she was thinking about the sun and getting sunburned?
I'm really interested to hear more about this, and I wanted to read more.
Best of luck!
First off, I've seen this floating around critique blogs recently, and love the premise. It's been interesting to watch the advancing changes.
ReplyDeleteSecond, my comments are in parentheses. Feel free to ask for clarification or just tell me I missed something obvious. Cheers.
Eighteen-year-old Dawn’s no thief, yet (is yet a character word choice? it sounds dated. why not a simple but?) she’ll have to be if she wants to save her sisters from becoming demon chow. She’s tasked with stealing a powerful charm capable of releasing an imprisoned succubus—but first she’ll have to slip past its steamy guardian, Kalan. Dawn discovers Kalan has his own agenda, though, and seducing her is the first step in his plan. (I don't like how this is out of order chronologically. I think you could tighten it by swapping the placement. "She's tasked with slipping past the steamy (demon? human? incubus?) guardian Kalan and stealing a charm to release a powerful imprisoned succubus (okay, that's sloppy, but what I'm getting at is that the order might serve better in actual order). But Kalan has plots of his own, and seducing Dawn is his first objective.)
So...what I'm trying to say is that the wording gets a bit muddled in regards to the plot (not that my version improved it). Is there a way you could alter the logline that lays it out as 'Dawn must sneak past a sexy demon person to steal a magical charm in order to save her sisters from a different demon forcing her to do this. And sexy demon has sexy plans.' I'd like to see a more concise line between her stealing this charm (which I don't personally think needs to be fully explained in the logline), and how Kalan's plans matter.
Don’t look, Dawn. You know what happens when you look.
I looked up. It was inevitable. When you tell yourself not to do something, you usually do the exact opposite.
Crap.(I'd prefer this opening without the 'when you tell...opposite' because it reads as an unnecessary aside as thought Dawn is talking to an audience. Is she speaking directly to the reader, or is she just clarifying that in her own mind?)
The park vendors swarmed me like a pack of rabid dogs. Their voices tore into me, snarling off sales pitches.
“A beautiful necklace for a beautiful—”
“No.”
“Would you like a subscription to The Vigrith—?”
“No."
“Mini glow-in-the-dark helicopters for sale! Buy ‘em by the dozen."
“What? No. Why the hell would I want twelve glowing helicopters?”
I didn’t wait for a reply. I walked as fast as I could without drawing attention. Luckily, the tiny carts were only set up at one entrance to the park. Turning into a large clearing, I glanced around for Cassie before (just for flow, I'd prefer 'and'. Before sort of slows down the pace, but that might be personal preference.) settling at an empty picnic table.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find one in the shade. The heat was bearable, but the sun had me worried. (Is there a way you could just say her table was in the sun in her voice?) Ultraviolet rays plus pale girl equaled a sunburn no amount of aloe vera could soothe. Hey, at least I had a gorgeous view...
Who was I kidding?
One half of the park had a dried-up garden with a statue of the plump Lady Fredericton; the other side had a few trees, twice as many picnic tables and a pathetically empty sand pit—
Power washed over me, rushing into my lungs like water. I gasped, my vision blurring. Stupid. I’d been stupid. Letting my mental barriers down was the epitome of stupid. The intruder left almost as soon as they came, but I still sensed them.
(Oh yes, I would like to know more now. Not that the more should be in the first 250, but I'm intrigued as to how she let down her barriers. Excellent, you started at the story.)
So, good job and good luck!
The logline reads more like a mini query for me - too long and too much unnecessary information.
ReplyDeleteEighteen-year-old Dawn’s no thief, yet she’ll have to steal a powerful charm to stop her sisters' becoming demon chow. But first she’ll have to slip past its steamy guardian, Kalan.
Great rewrite. I only have one input, your last sentence, "The intruder left almost as soon as they came, but I still sensed them." - Is it The intruder, or The intruders- first you say "The" then you say "They". Confusing.
ReplyDelete