Sunday, January 27, 2013

January Test Run #4

GENRE:  Paranormal Fantasy

It was the beginning.

The rebirth of the auld fused together with the new.  Of time gone backwards then brought forward sparkling to those that believed in magic.

I was chosen to journal all that was it and what it was to become – New Avalon.  A township of mystical, magical people set on the wondrous path of resurrecting an old place in time where peace, unity and the ways of the gods and goddesses were worshipped and revered. The witches of SalemMassachusetts and the world over have had enough.  Persecution still exists even though the witch trials ended decades ago.  Outsiders don’t understand, and probably never will.  It’s easier for them to frown upon, cast angry glances, or fear the witch then it is to take the time to understand.  

Longing for the days of auld where magical abilities were honed and used in society, witches far and wide stood together and directed their energy to those in Salem who raised it - a protective, luminescent, energy sphere.  The time had come to bring it all back.  And, that is just what happened.  

As most do here, I remember the night it happened. The awe and fear as the elemental forces passed through me.  The wonder and thrill of having my sixth sense opened and attuned to everything around me. To feel alive and know that what was happening was a good thing. And, for some time, it was good.  I say was because time has a way of changing people and their ways.  


  1. I'm definitely intrigued by what "it" is, however, I'm unable to get the passed the spelling of 'auld', I stumble on it each time.
    I would also perhaps consider starting the story with the last paragraph, it comes across as more intriguing to me to begin here:
    "I remember the night 'it' happened. The awe and fear as the elemental forces passed through me...."
    Great concept though! Wishing you luck!
    - byrne

  2. I agree with Byrne's take on "auld" and a possibly different starting point. I also struggle with the switches between past, past perfect tenses and present tenses in the third paragraph, leaving me struggling to understand what's in the past, what's in the present and where the narrator is in relation to all that in telling the story.

  3. I agree with the previous comments that the last paragraph has a better hook. I really liked the voice, by the way. If felt "epic" to me.

  4. I was intrigued by the title because it reminds me of The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer-Bradley. (definitely worth a read if you haven't already read it). And I like the voice you use, but I agree that this could use some work. The number one piece of advice I would give: show don't tell. Bring me right to the action and avoid the exposition/info dump. I'd be very interested to read a rewrite of this.

  5. I agree with the others' comments. I like the story that you're setting up, but it does feel very "tell-y." As the others suggested, starting with the last paragraph may help this. Good luck!

  6. I love the last paragraph, it really jumped off the page for me. The use of auld threw me, but since the Salem witch trials weren't that far in the past, I'm guessing this is set several hundred years ago - hence the use of the word. The idea you presented had me, but I love stories of magic. I like your voice, but I'd like a better sense of this 'I' person.