tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post5976597189850927197..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: January Test Run #4K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-33261541319445721652013-01-28T12:22:56.143-05:002013-01-28T12:22:56.143-05:00I love the last paragraph, it really jumped off th...I love the last paragraph, it really jumped off the page for me. The use of auld threw me, but since the Salem witch trials weren't that far in the past, I'm guessing this is set several hundred years ago - hence the use of the word. The idea you presented had me, but I love stories of magic. I like your voice, but I'd like a better sense of this 'I' person.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17948717395946476483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-42736824563573864732013-01-28T08:35:53.689-05:002013-01-28T08:35:53.689-05:00I agree with the others' comments. I like the...I agree with the others' comments. I like the story that you're setting up, but it does feel very "tell-y." As the others suggested, starting with the last paragraph may help this. Good luck!K Callardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15689825742559394896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-5107316914408490232013-01-28T07:51:36.016-05:002013-01-28T07:51:36.016-05:00I was intrigued by the title because it reminds me...I was intrigued by the title because it reminds me of The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer-Bradley. (definitely worth a read if you haven't already read it). And I like the voice you use, but I agree that this could use some work. The number one piece of advice I would give: show don't tell. Bring me right to the action and avoid the exposition/info dump. I'd be very interested to read a rewrite of this.Lucianne Poolehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10687732495236270127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-77784476787863237872013-01-27T22:18:22.559-05:002013-01-27T22:18:22.559-05:00I agree with the previous comments that the last p...I agree with the previous comments that the last paragraph has a better hook. I really liked the voice, by the way. If felt "epic" to me. Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-58876187287739246802013-01-27T21:10:09.947-05:002013-01-27T21:10:09.947-05:00I agree with Byrne's take on "auld" ...I agree with Byrne's take on "auld" and a possibly different starting point. I also struggle with the switches between past, past perfect tenses and present tenses in the third paragraph, leaving me struggling to understand what's in the past, what's in the present and where the narrator is in relation to all that in telling the story. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-8183048654675643192013-01-27T16:40:56.914-05:002013-01-27T16:40:56.914-05:00I'm definitely intrigued by what "it"...I'm definitely intrigued by what "it" is, however, I'm unable to get the passed the spelling of 'auld', I stumble on it each time.<br />I would also perhaps consider starting the story with the last paragraph, it comes across as more intriguing to me to begin here: <br />"I remember the night 'it' happened. The awe and fear as the elemental forces passed through me...."<br />Great concept though! Wishing you luck!<br />- byrneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com