Sunday, January 27, 2013

January Test Run #6

TITLE: The Shadow Service
GENRE: Urban fantasy

They have sent another one. Antonio glanced at the warning from the deputy minister and absent-mindedly shredded the note with his pale fingers.

A few years ago such a memo would have filled him with something akin to excitement. But quite frankly, the spies had disappointed him. It had been absurdly easy to control their minds, although he always felt vaguely guilty exercising his powers. After all, as a former Jesuit priest, he had once stood on the side of the church.

Antonio sighed and dropped the feathery strips of paper into his waste paper basket. He peered at his nails. They were far too long, more like pointed talons. He made a mental note to pare them before he went out for the night.

He checked his watch. It was almost 10 a.m., but you would never know it. The windowless office was cast in perpetual gloom.  The weak light from the solitary desk lamp and soft glow of his computer screen provided enough light to reveal walls as bare as a monk’s cell. It would seem old habits were hard to break. Except for the framed photo on his bookcase, the Persian carpet blanketing the floor was his only concession to adornment. In fact, the rug proved quite useful; it hid the green carpeting that spread across government office floors like creeping mold.

Antonio scanned the staff meeting agenda on the desk before him. He straightened his tie and smoothed back his hair. With the grace of an athlete, he rose from his desk and stretched his limbs luxuriously. It was time to meet his latest adversary.


  1. Great visuals here. Could picture the scene and place myself in it. The only problem that I noticed: in my opinion, the second paragraph is not necessary, I would cut it! The remaining paragraphs are strong enough to hold the reader without the 'telling'.
    Otherwise, I'm intrigued! Good luck!

  2. This was great...loved the vivid imagery, I saw the scene and am intrigued to see what happens next. Awesome!

  3. I like your opening, but I felt there was a disconnect between the descriptions and the actions of the MC.

  4. I love your descriptions, but I agree with Annonymous about the second paragraph. Maybe you try and work in this info later?

    Good luck!

  5. I like this. Descriptive and you pull me in. I like the tidbit about being a former Jesuit priest with powers, but the rest of the paragraph didn't do much for me. By the end, I began visual that he was a vampire with how dark his office was. Not sure if that's what you meant, but that's where my mind went.