TITLE: Dear Katherine
GENRE: Science Fiction (adult)
My life began the day I turned eighteen and fell off a planet for the first time. Up until then I hadn't started living--I had just existed.
I had left school set on visiting every one of the one hundred and fifty inhabited planet in the Tetracoil Galaxy and fourteen years later I was very close to achieving that goal. By the time I arrived on Millanos, I had fallen on and off most of those planets and had sped through the one hundred and forty two wormholes between them. Even though all planets were unique in their own way, I didn't think anything could really surprise me anymore. I was ready to show off that I understood the galaxy better than anyone who lived in it. I was ready to display that expertise with an eye-catching tattoo.
But the local artist sent me back to my drawing book when he said what I showed him was beyond his skills. Apparently they didn’t use robots on this planet. I wasn’t going to wait until the next one. There were only eight planets I hadn't visited and I didn't know if body art was popular in any of them. They hadn't taught that kind of stuff in school and I had failed to find a tattooing station in the last three planets already.
I love the opening paragraph, and the third one's great too, but I'm a little bit skeptical about the middle. It feels long and drawn out, and it might be better to introduce your reader into the current situation a little bit earlier, and then bring up what's happened in the past later on; a lot of your exposition there, while relevant to your MC's wanting a tattoo, isn't necessary. This is such an interesting idea, though, and I'd love to see where you're going with this. Good luck!ReplyDelete
A very interesting concept, however, I feel it's a lot of tell and no show (the age old problem for all of us ;-) The second paragraph is information overload, I would cut it and perhaps plant the reader into the current situation (as Julia suggests above) and break up the backstory so we don't feel overwhelmed with information!ReplyDelete
Hope this helps somewhat! Good luck!
I was immediately caught by the idea of "falling off a planet" - then you threw in the wormholes, and it got even more interesting. I agree strongly with Anonymous above, where you could show the MC's inability to get her/his tattoo through dialogue with the tattoo artist. Come to think of it, I also wish I knew whether this first-person narrator is a man or woman (or alien). You introduced the character's age perfectly, but I feel like I have no idea who the narrator is still.ReplyDelete
I love love love your first line (and paragraph). But I agree with the others that the second is a bit of an info overload. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I too love the opening line, but as for who this character is, I have no idea other than their age. Being a female reader, I pictured her being a female. I'd also like to know which planet they started on. Since it doesn't sound like our galaxy, I'm very interested in knowing what this creature looks like.ReplyDelete