TITLE: The Last Innocent
GENRE: Urban Fantasy, Suspense, Romance
He sat with his wings tucked neatly behind him on the roof of the old house located in the heart of the college district in Eugene, Oregon. Muffled music from the expensive speakers escaped through the warped rafters. The Warrior smiled. She was playing her favorite tunes again. The ones she played when life became too stressful. He envisioned her now, walking through the cramped rooms below, singing with abandon at the top of her lungs. How fast she had grown up.
The Warrior shook his head and tried remembering the others. Human time was just a blur for him. Surely he could recall at least one of his other assignments, but only bits and fragments surfaced. Mortals’ lives were over in the blink of an eye, and such a shame, too. These creatures possessed so much passion and hatred, with the capacity for abundant goodness and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories.
Assignments, he chuckled aloud at his own thoughts. He could hear Michael’s scolding now, the beautiful Archangel lecturing him endlessly that protecting wards—mortals—was not an assignment, rather an honor of the highest regard. He could even picture Michael’s finely sculpted eyebrows arch in that way he had when masterfully weaving his words. How an angel could be so dangerous, so powerful, and yet so beautiful mystified him. He shook his head again. God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that question hadn’t made it on the list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty.
First sentence is a bit long; however, I'm drawn in immediately. Good job, I definitely want to read more.ReplyDelete
I think this is good. I actually don't mind the first sentence. It's a bit long (not much), but it all seems relevant.ReplyDelete
But fear not, I have criticism:
First, I kind of envision the POV comming from a grey-old owl. I wouldn't be overly concerned about that, but thought I should mention it, since I'm pretty certain that's not going to end up being true. If it is, wow--amazing job of making me think of that.
You use a lot of language that seems out of character from the POV. Words like "expensive", "favorite tunes", "singing with abandon." You set a really thoughtful and dignified tone and clearly indicate the guardian is ancient, so those words stood out for me--and in a disruptive way.
"These creatures possessed so much passion and hatred, with the capacity for abundant goodness and, sadly, equal ugliness. All of it rolled into one fragile package. No, the only details that came to his mind were the battles and carnage. No wonder he suppressed the memories." This bit seemed really preachy to me at first, so I reread it several times and I realized it was logically inconsistent. You create this nice balance of good and evil nature, but then he can only remember the bad? Seems like the set up might need to be more about how the good is destroyed by the bad in someway to make the conclusion fit. Also I got a very Shakespeare vibe here.(not good or bad, just noting.)
"God, in all His omnipotence, was the only one who could answer that question; however, that question hadn’t made it on the list for when his time came to stand before the Almighty." This is a must fix. I do not know what you are trying to say here. I get the first part. After the semi-colon, the tense-complexity makes it impossible for me to know whether he has already or is going to stand before the Almighty.
Hope that was helpful. Looks like your well on your way. Best of luck.
Thank you. This is an excerpt from the progue.ReplyDelete
Went to your site and saw that you didn't have much luck querying. Did you try WriteOnCon, Pitchmas, Pitchmadness etc? Lots of help in social media on queries. Either way, hope you keep at it and I look forward to reading more. If you do go the Indie route, bulk up the social media platform. @badRedHeadMedia is a good source for info about promoting your work after you publish it.Delete
Wow, I didn't even spell prologue correctly.Delete
Thank you, David. I love your site. Thank you for the tip on @badRedHeadMedia. Social media overwhelms me:-(
I think your first paragraph is so good! I'm a huge comic book nut and the visual of The Warrior perched up there was pretty epic. Nicely done.ReplyDelete
I think the next two paragraphs could actually be eliminated. Not the ideas, but the words. I want to know more about this girl and why he's protecting her. Who is she? Why is she important? I found myself wanting to skim to get to that part, but it never came.
For me, I'd be hooked if I could learn more about the girl and her relationship with The Warrior.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Brooks. The paragraphs you mentioned are solely for foreshadowing purposes. Because it's a prologue, many people don't even read it; however, these are subtle key elements that are brought up later.ReplyDelete