TITLE: Nomags vs Gifted
GENRE: MG Fantasy
GENRE: MG Fantasy
A shot whizzed by twelve-year-old Christian Derling and exploded on the ground behind him. That was close, he thought, but now I know where you’re at. Direction, speed, angle—you must be right over—Zing. Christian saw the second attack coming just in time to duck out of the way. Too much thinking. Christian scampered behind a knobby sienna, the largest tree inhabiting the forests of Thuringia. Sitting between the gnarled roots of the tree, safe for the moment, he called out, “Molly.” She didn’t answer. Where was she? Some best friend. They were the last two. The Gifted he was hunting had eliminated all of the others. Two Nomags trying to capture one Gifted was not nearly enough. One Nomag was impossible.
He heard the crackling of branches breaking under the heavy feet of his larger foe. There would be no more chasing. So he wants to end it now. Ok. I’m ready. Christian hushed his breathing so he could listen. He did not want to end up like the others. The footsteps stopped on the far side of the tree. Smaller but quicker than his adversary, Christian knew a sneak attack was his best hope. Well, Molly was his best hope, but she’d abandoned him. Sweat ran down the back of his neck soaking through his shirt as he pressed himself against the tree. He climbed across the tops of the roots and around the trunk until he could see the wavy, sandy brown hair on the back of his target’s head. Knees bent, he prepared to strike.
Too much inner dialogue right off the start. This is easily corrected. The premise is interesting and I would keep reading.ReplyDelete
I think you need to set up the scene before you dive into the inner thought. Also, I don't understand why he would risk calling for Molly if he's being shot at.ReplyDelete
This is a great scene! I'm a MG writer, too, and I love what you've got going on here. My biggest suggestion would be what one of the comments above had mentioned.ReplyDelete
Give us a little more idea of what's going on here so we're not left scratching our heads thinking we may have missed something. The action's wonderful and I'd totally keep reading, but I'd hate an agent may lay it down just because he or she "doesn't get it" or something.
Awesome job--thanks for sharing!