Wednesday, February 27, 2013

February Test Run #9


Her name was Katherine Elizabeth Allen. Or Katie, as she was known to her family. Although her name bears little importance here in this no-where land, she still holds it close as it's al she has left of the past. She was sixteen when she died. Just sixteen when they came to take her, arriving in the night as she lay in her bed. She didn't fight...she was too tired to fight.

She had seen the Tall One before when he stood underneath the tree in her front yard, watching the house...watching her. She had to admit, he scared her at first, with his long yellow robe and hood pulled low over his face. All she could see were his thin blue-red lips and a pointed chin, sticking out like a beak from behind the folds of fabric. He'd stand perfectly still as the cars whizzed by on the road behind. Nobody ever noticed him but Katie.

He'd watch her as she opened her parched lips to begin her daily ritual of medicating, numbing herself to the pain. He didn't leave when her Mother held the pail as her body tried to reject the cancer nor did he leave when Katie cried herself to sleep in the afternoon sun after pulling clumps of blonde hair from her head.

She didn't notice the other one at first, or maybe he just wasn't there, who knows for sure.


  1. You've got a typo in the first paragraph ("al" instead of "all"), but otherwise I can't find anything to critique. This gave me chills, and I love the style. I'd love to know what this story is ultimately about. :) Great job!

  2. I really like this too. It's done its job of keeping me interested and wanting to read more. I hope things turn around soon for poor Katie. I'm getting a Harry Potter-ish vibe from what you have here...secret world within our own that's going to be revealed.

  3. Chilling! Love the voice! I think you did a great job with hooking on the first page. I'm wondering why you chose 3rd person POV instead 1st, but I wouldn't change it.

  4. This is extremely well written. I love your voice too. You hooked me in at the first line, "Her name was Katherine Elizabeth..." I'm thinking, wait-what? She's dead? Awesome...and I want to keep reading to find out more. Nice job!

  5. I am another fan! 250 words was just not enough. Congrats and keep up the great work!!

  6. Thanks so much guys! I really appreciate the feedback!!!

  7. OK, I'm torn, because on the one hand I really totally fell in love with this. It's intriguing and unique and has a wonderfully chilling, eerie sort of distance to it.

    But ... it's reading like backstory. All this happened in the past, and I just know that some (not all) agents don't like seeing backstory in the first chapter.

    Ugh. So I totally don't know, because you really hooked ME, and everything was just perfect! Maybe ask for more opinions??

  8. This is so wonderfully dark! I was sucked right in from the first sentence. Awesome job!