Wednesday, February 27, 2013

February Test Run #3

TITLE:   Orion's Curse
GENRE:   Suspense

Windy King pointed the street-purchased pistol directly at the
forehead of the young man dressed in a suit and tie with one thing on
her mind. Her son.

It was well after midnight. Damp October air outside Senator Taylor’s
campaign office reeked of stale beer and urine. The Irish pub next
door emptied an hour ago, leaving the weak neon of the closed sign as
the only lighting on the block. Who knew campaign managers put in such
late hours? On a rainy, misty Wednesday nonetheless. She’d nearly
driven herself crazy inside her beat-up sedan while she waited for him
to retire for the night. In another moment she would have gone in and
dragged him out at gunpoint.

Less than three feet separated them on the sidewalk.

Behind him rectangular signs of red, white, and blue were mounted
inside plate glass windows, urging citizens to 'Re-Elect Scott Taylor
In The Name Of Freedom'.
Could Senator Taylor guarantee freedom? She certainly hoped so, for
the sake of the campaign manager’s life- and that of her own thirteen
year old son.

“Got cash in my wallet. A watch. Whatever you want. Just please don’t
shoot me.” His bottom lip quivered as he bartered for his life.

For a fraction of a second her heart ached for the young man whose
world she was about to change forever.

Slapping of rubber on wet pavement from a passing vehicle kept perfect
time with a mental clock that reminded her time was of the essence.


  1. I'm kind of conflicted about your entry. Your writing is superb. I got swept up in it, only to realize at the end I had not a clue what just happened.
    Your interweaving of the description of the politician's office with the immediate action of pointing a gun at someone is hard to follow. There's a pub, a campaign office, a street and a was hard for me to get situated. Also, in the first sentence, she says she is pointing the gun directly at his forehead, and two paragraphs later she's three feet away from him.
    I would suggest staying in the moment a bit longer and focusing on the immediate conflict of if she's going to point the trigger rather than trying to explain how she got there.

  2. I think the second paragraph breaks the narrative. I would suggest either starting with that and then pointing the gun, or take it out and move along with the scene. I'm leaning towards the first option, because the "gone in and dragged him out at gunpoint" can sound like an euphemism until the reader realizes that she actually has a gun.

    Good luck! I really want to know what got her there.

  3. I actually think you did a great job of setting the scene.
    I would suggest however, beginning with the second paragraph and then pointing the gun as Patchi suggested above. I would also suggest cutting the fourth paragraph as this breaks the narrative and reads more like a book jacket with the rhetorical question and I think it slows the story.
    These are just suggestions, take them as you will ;-)

    Best of luck!

  4. I'm conflicted too. I actually did feel like I was really there, seeing the scene. The description was the right balance for me.

    Both of the questions "Who knew campaign managers...?" and "Could the senator ...?" pulled me out of the moment though. I think, like others mentioned, the scene it might read just fine without them. Just thoughts though - I would definitely read on!