Wednesday, February 27, 2013

February Test Run #7

Title: PURGED
Genre: YA/Sci-fi/Dystopian

Fear plays me for a fool. It knocks me down, paralyzes me, spits in my face and then laughs at my misery. So while I scoot across a translucent wire, thousands of feet above snow-topped chimneys and high rises below, fear takes its bite. An arctic wind whips my matted hair into my eyes and distracts me from my job--- to repair the downed circuits of the sky rail. I shiver. Straddling the wire, I’m wrapped in Dad’s faded blue jacket. His blood-red beanie protects my ears. His clothes help me remember, though how could I forget. I smell the cool, pure, refreshing scent of snow; like white rain, it will fall shortly. The wind, sharp and cruel, cuts through my clothes to my pale skin. I glance at my thumb and pinky, now violet blue, protruding through holes in my glove. Damn, I should have sewed the holes before coming up here. Peering down, I see little brown specks of trees, I flinch, trembling. Concentrate, ZaraFocus. One unexpected jerk of a muscle, and I will plummet to my death.
     
A chirp from my hover board, Batman, floating beside me, diverts my attention from the sheer drop below. Even now, my dad watches over me. Batman was his board. Just breathe. I sit up straight; my butt rocks the wire as I clench it with my wobbly right hand. If my brother Seth or Tia Marleena could see me, they’d pass out. I look like I’m floating in mid-air.

7 comments:

  1. I got a little lost in the first paragraph--if you could divide it up into more than one paragraph, that would be great. But I love how she's thinking so much about her father, through wearing his clothes and such. Good luck!

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  2. Love the first three lines of this and then, as Julia said, I got a little lost. A few thoughts: I would consider changing the word "job" in the fourth sentence. I immediately assumed she was a maintenance worker, but after reading on, that didn't seem to hold up. I would also consider deleting the sentence "His clothes help me remember, though how could I forget." You made the same point more subtly just by mentioning she's wearing her father's clothes. Also, why is her board named Batman? That reference was kind of jarring.

    Overall, there are some great moments in here and you've started off in a really unusual setting that I would want to read more about.

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  3. I loved the setting and how you incorporated descriptors into the action and her thoughts. Try using "task" instead of "job" if this is not her profession.

    I'm just having trouble picturing Zara on the wire. She's straddling it, but scooting forward while clenching it in her hands? How thick is the wire?

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  4. I agree with breaking up the first paragraph and with letting the descriptors be the subtle story tellers. For instance, at the end of the first sentence I think you can remove "to my death." You've already stated she's thousands of feet up; I think death is a given if she fell.

    Interesting start - keep up the good work!

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  5. Awesome! Thanks so much for your feedback. I will incorporate those suggestions. How is my "voice"? That's something I have a hard time seeing myself.

    Thanks!

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  6. Your opening line is great! However, the line about the smell of the snow actually took me out of the scene, as it felt like it was written for the reader instead of more naturally occurring...if that makes sense? I think just because the line started "I smell the cool...."

    I actually wonder how it would read, beginning from here:

    Fear plays me for a fool. It knocks me down, paralyzes me, spits in my face and then laughs at my misery. Straddling the wire, I’m wrapped in Dad’s faded blue jacket. His blood-red beanie protecting my ears. His clothes help me remember, though how could I forget. The wind, sharp and cruel cuts through my clothes to my pale skin. I glance at my thumb and pinky, now violet blue, protruding through holes in my glove. Damn, I should have sewn the holes before coming up here. Peering down, I see little brown specks of trees, I flinch, trembling. Concentrate, Zara. Focus. One unexpected jerk of a muscle, and I'm gone...

    I felt her voice was stronger beginning from here!
    Just a suggestion ;-)
    Good luck!

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  7. I really like this, but I'm almost feeling like there's too much backstory to take in. I'm having a hard time connecting with the character because I'm not feeling the immediacy of her situation.

    Being on a wire high above the city sounds scary, so I kinda want to be scared by this scene. But the MC keeps derailing my emotions by describing things she remembered, things she forgot to do. She seems distracted up there, and that breaks the tension a bit for me, in spite of the repeated mentions that with one false move she could die.

    I think it's really close to working perfectly though. Just a little tweaking would do it.

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