Thursday, March 29, 2012

March 2012 Test Run #7

TITLE: LANDING MELODY
GENRE: YA urban fantasy

It was the red leather box that grabbed her attention.
   
Stella ran her finger across the top, faded from being next to the
only window in the attic. She touched the copper latch. It popped
open, and she pushed the lid up.
   
An objected nestled on silk cloth laid in the box. It was a flute. A
wooden flute.
   
The design appeared to be the same as a regular metal flute—other
than the fact that where it was supposed to be metal, there was
oak-like wood.  Polished. Dark. It looked so smooth and inviting.
Leaning forward, Stella reached out and touched it—
   
“OWW!”  Sparks jumped out from it, and she stumbled back, clutching
her wrist. Streams of pain shot up her arm.
   
She howled and curled to the floor. Her arm shook and buzzed as
though she'd stuck her finger in an outlet. She clenched her hand and
shrieked as another wave of pain pulsed through her veins.
   
Then she thumped to the floor and blacked out.


FORTY MINUTES EARLIER. . .
   
Anything would have been better than this.
   
Stella stood in the doorway of the Victorian home and reached for
her godfather's hand.  Paris took it and squeezed.
   
“You all right?”  His words dropped like pebbles in the silence.
Stella nodded.
   
It wasn't true.
   
“Just seems so big,” she whispered. How stupid that sounded. Why be
afraid of a house when she needed to worry about the reason she stood
in front of it?
   
The house sat buried among a cluster of Alabama oak trees, Spanish
moss dangling from the branches. It stood huge enough where Stella had
to tilt back her neck to look up. Windows dotted the whole building.
She kept looking to see if anyone stared down at them.

4 comments:

  1. Interesting premise.

    If I were you, I'd comb through and remove the extraneous words.

    A red leather box grabbed her attention.

    Stella ran her finger across the top, faded from being next to the
    only window in the attic. She touched the copper latch. It popped
    open, and she pushed the lid up.

    Inside a flute nestled in a silk cloth.

    It looked just like a regular flute except it was made of wood.

    Good luck with your writing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Excellent! The only sentence that struck me as a tad awkward was "it stood huge enough to where..." If you reword that a little, you're good as gold!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It might be more subtle and still have emphasis if you delete "A wooden flute." You describe it in detail in the very next paragraph. Also, "except" sounds smoother than "other than the fact that." This is how it would read:

    An objecte(d) nestled on silk cloth laid in the box. It was a flute. (Or consolidate to one strong sentence, like Julie suggested.)

    The design appeared to be the same as a regular metal flute—except where it was supposed to be metal, there was
    oak-like wood. Polished. Dark. It looked so smooth and inviting.

    Compelling and evocative -- great start!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I really liked this a lot. I agree that the description of the flute could be distilled down to be more powerful. Hints of magic are great.

    I don't like time stream breaks on the first page, just a personal thing but I do like how both of those sections start out. They both drew me in which is good. I want to know more about the characters and whats going on. Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete