TITLE: Numbered
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi/Dystopian
The only thing moving is my heart beating and the blood pumping through my veins. I breathe without my chest rising or falling. Everything else sits as still as the dead; the mock grass, the fabricated shrubs, even the tree that I sit perched in, waiting.
Waiting. So much of my training has been waiting, patience. Sitting still for four, five, six hours at a time, training my muscles not to go numb, and my mind to stay alert. Sub-zero temperatures, over one hundred degrees, I’ve been through it all. Like now, for instance, waiting in this tree as I have been for two hours. It’s hot, at least over ninety, but I do not break a sweat. The smell of sweat could give away my location. I keep my breaths silent and shallow, regulating my body temperature. And I wait.
Movement flickers in my right peripheral, and I dart my eyes in that direction, keeping my head fixed straight ahead. There he is: my target. He moves silently from one tree and shrub to the other, almost imperceptibly. Had I not been waiting so long and become so familiarized with the environment, I might never have noticed him, and then I would have failed. Failure is impossible. Passing is mandatory. So much time and money has been put into my training, that if I fail, I would be putting the lives of my trainers at risk. And I would be letting down the Leaders.
Wow! We know know what's at stake within 250 words. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYou have a few grammar problems to fix..the tree where I sit perched, I keep my breath silent and...time and money have been been put...
THE GOOD: The writing is smooth. You build suspense nicely. I would eagerly keep reading.
ReplyDeleteTHE BAD: Omit the first line. Descriptions like "blood pumping through my veins" are old to read. I think the opening is strong with, "I breathe without my chest rising and falling."
THE UGLY: The only thing that raised a red flag was the fact that this sounds somewhat like THE HUNGER GAMES. Especially since this is a SF/Dystopian, I couldn't help but picture Katniss perched in a tree, waiting with her bow and arrows. NUMBERED most likely has an entirely different plot than HUNGER GAMES, but to an agent and editor it might seem as though you're trying to copy.
I hope this helps!
I really like this, but think it starts in the wrong place. Focus in on the action, then build the scene. Here it is, cut and paste in a different order:
ReplyDeleteMovement flickers in my right peripheral, and I dart my eyes in that direction, keeping my head fixed straight ahead. There he is: my target. He moves silently from one tree and shrub to the other, almost imperceptibly.
Waiting. So much of my training has been waiting, patience. Sitting still for four, five, six hours at a time, training my muscles not to go numb, and my mind to stay alert. Sub-zero temperatures, over one hundred degrees, I’ve been through it all. Like now, for instance, waiting in this tree as I have been for two hours. It’s hot, at least over ninety, but I do not break a sweat. The smell of sweat could give away my location. I keep my breaths silent and shallow, regulating my body temperature. And I wait.
The only thing moving is my heart beating and the blood pumping through my veins. I breathe without my chest rising or falling. Everything else sits as still as the dead; the mock grass, the fabricated shrubs, even the tree that I sit perched in, waiting.
Had I not been waiting so long and become so familiarized with the environment, I might never have noticed him, and then I would have failed. Failure is impossible. Passing is mandatory.
So much time and money has been put into my training, that if I fail, I would be putting the lives of my trainers at risk. And I would be letting down the Leaders.