Tuesday, April 24, 2012

April Indy 500 #4

Title: Girl of His Dreams 
Genere: Paranormal Romance
Vincent was sitting at Julie’s kitchen table. She had her tarot cards out looking into his future love life. He thought it was a little silly but he indulged her. Vincent considered himself a good looking man. At thirty seven he was in excellent shape, running five to ten miles every day. He was six foot two with short jet black hair and chocolate brown eyes. He dressed wellbeing a lawyer at a big law firm afforded him a comfortable lifestyle. Vincent just could not seem to find that perfect girl. That’s why he was sitting in his best friend’s kitchen having his tarot cards read. Vincent watched as Julie flipped another card and placed it face up on the table.
Julie was fun to be around but she wasn’t really his type. She had long strait blond hair, bright blue eyes, and pale skin no matter how much sun she got. She was slender and tall at five foot seven. She stayed in shape going running with him at least three or four times a week. He just never really thought of her as more than a friend, a really good friend yes but always just a friend.
Julie’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Vincent. Hey, earth to Vincent.”
“What... Oh sorry guess I was wool gathering.” He said with an apologetic smile. “So, what do your cards say? Am I doomed to walk the world alone?”
“No, as a matter of fact they say it’s time that you find love.” She stated with a sweet smile. Julie got up and moved behind Vincent. She then snipped a lock of hair from him with a pair of scissors she had laying behind him on the counter.
“Hey! What did you do that for?” He complained as his hand moved to the back of his head to feel what kind of damage was done.
“Oh, relax I didn’t take that much see.” Julie said as she showed him the small snip of hair. “Now when you go home tonight I want you to lie down and think about the girl of your dreams. Concentrate on that thought as you drift off to sleep. Over the next three nights you’re going to dream of your mystery girl and on the third night she will be revealed to you.” Julie explained as she placed his hair into a small velvet pouch.
“I’m going to dream a girl up?” Vincent asked with a skeptical look. “That’s it I’m checking your incense sticks. I think someone might have laced them with something.”
Julie laughed at the joke and sat back in her seat across from him. “Laugh all you want, but I’m casting a spell tonight and you my dear are going to go dream walking. Now go on you did say you needed to run some errands before you could go home.”
“Alright I’m going and I’ll see you in a few days. Who knows maybe I’ll bring the girl of my dreams to meet you.” Vincent joked as he got up and walked out the door.


  1. Good job setting the scene and introducing the characters. The first two lines lack zing, think about starting with action: Vincent watched as Julie flipped another card and placed it face up on the table.

    Also, a fresher dialog would bring the characters to life, vs. the "Earth to" Vincent and "wool gathering" cliches. One is okay, but two so close together doesn't work. Maybe,
    "Earth to Vincent." "Sorry, fog brain today." Maybe not that exactly, but fresh language will make it pop.

  2. I agree with Skywriter. I would also like to add that the first 2 paragraphs could really stand out more if you change up the sentences a bit. There were too many sentence that began with Vincent, Julie, He, She. It just kinda felt more like a list of physical attributes than a cohesive story. I felt a bit detached until I got into the heart of the story, which was the tarot reading and hair clipping, which did intrigue me. I'm curious as to where this story is going, and would love to see who he dreams up.:)

  3. And...for another's opinion, the other two reviews are great. Just need a bit of variety in your sentence structures and word choices.
    What I thought the first time writing this was it would be perfect as a 1st person story, told via Vincent. Just something to think about.
    Good luck!

  4. I agree with what the others have said, and to add a few things:

    - Make sure you use the right word, because this is something a word processor won't likely pick up: "long strait hair" when strait should be straight.
    - Also be careful of using speech modifiers other than 'said' 'asked' too often. The dialogue itself should be enough to convey the words without needing a modifier. Eg: “Hey! What did you do that for?” usually is said when someone is annoyed or perplexed at someone's actions, you don't need the 'he complained' after it.

    I'm curious what direction this will take as your genre is paranormal romance. Good luck with it. :)

  5. Intriging introduction. Although the first sentences were a bit slow. Have you thought of starting in the action as suggested? Skywriters suggested first line would be perfect and add a bit of mystery to the plot:) And as already suggested, watch the name tags, I noticed several that could easily be removed.I really enjoyed reading this!


  6. Overall I am sympathetic to the main character - especially as he is willing to go through something he's clearly not interested in for a chance at a better life - so I would like to know where this is going. On a stylistic level the first line has passive voice - was sitting - and that tone continues throughout the piece. There is a lot of telling instead of showing, and a lot of sentences with the same rhythm. So why not kill two birds with one stone and incorporate some sentences together to solve both problems. e.g. Julie laughed and sat back in her seat across from him, her blue eyes twinkling. I know that's cliche but the point is not every fact needs its own sentence, as it starts to sound like a list.

    On that note how about surprise us with some unique attention to detail in your characters - like the way the split ends in her blonde hair shine in the candlelight or some sort of descriptor an agent hasn't seen before.

    And if there's romantic tension between these two I'd play it up a little - because it's a factor that made me want to know more.

    Good job! :D

  7. ...well, I'm not entirely certain how much help I can be given that I neither write nor read paranormal romance, but here goes!

    Generally, I try to avoid opening with a description of a character. It doesn't seem that there is a rule of thumb, but I've heard it said that it can be bad practice, as it interferes with the image the reader projects of the character. I'm not entirely convinced of that, because sometimes it's necessary to describe someone. However, I often prefer to do the description via another character, from their perspective. Like in my novel, my antagonist is described when the protag sees him and vice versa. Oh and avoid having people describe themselves when looking in mirror if at all possible.

    I think if a guy who genuinely doesn't believe in Tarot is turning to it for help on his love life, he's pretty desperate. He's at the point where he's basically saying "eh...can't hurt. Won't help, but can't hurt." I would show that feeling in the first paragraph, if that's what you're going for. Set the scene at the kitchen table and give hints of what brought the characters there. It's from Vincent's perspective, so show us how he feels.

    ...again, I don't write in this genre so whatever I say should be taken with a grain of salt, given that I don't know the conventions and all that, haha

  8. Wow!! I didn't exspect this many to respond Thank you all!!! All of your feed back really helps. This is a first draft and now I know what I need to focus on Thanks agian to everyone who left feed back!!!