Thursday, March 29, 2012

March 2012 Test Run #2

TITLE: DEATH WATCH
GENRE: Horror/Suspense
 
If the look of fury etched on her face wasn’t enough to tell him she was angry, the heavy stomp of her boots hitting the asphalt as she clomped away should do it.   “Damn him,” Diana muttered under her breath as she stormed across the parking lot to the empty picnic bench.  

She hadn’t wanted to take the damn motorcycle drive with Dave, and had only gone with him after he had yelled at her that all she ever did was write.  Which was true, but then again she was a writer.  Dave told her she needed to get out of the house and be with him more.  To appease him and squelch an impending fight she donned her black brain bucket, with the pretty peace symbol sticker on the back then slid her ass onto the back of his Harley and off they went. Dave hadn’t told her that his friends would be joining them, especially Sully.  That one friend annoyed the shit out of her and Dave knew it; probably why he didn’t say anything. 

Sully was loud, obnoxious and thought he was every girls dream.  More like nightmare, she thought.  He was your stereotypical biker.  The one all moms’ warned their little girls about.   Greasy, long hair, leather clad, tattooed, dirty piece of shit that rode a low rider Harley Davidson.  The one who would screw, tattoo and leave you by a roadside crying.    Yep, that was Sully, “love em leave em”, Smithson and Dave’s best friend. 

3 comments:

  1. This sounds like a great read, I'm already sympathetic to your mc. Watch for repetition if it's not absolutely necessary. "Damn him" and "damn motorcycle drive," are too close together. You could say, "friggin' motorcyle drive," or even "stupid" or "ridiculous."

    RUE: Resist the Urge to Explain. "To appease him and squelch an impending fight..." If you take out "appease him," which is implied, we get the point in a much more clear, compelling way. "To squelch an impending fight..."

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  2. Liking the sound of it. You might want to rework this sentence:

    "To appease him and squelch an impending fight she donned her black brain bucket, with the pretty peace symbol sticker on the back then slid her ass onto the back of his Harley and off they went."

    It just seems a bit long and confusing. Otherwise, definitely got my interest!

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  3. Wow your MC is really riled up. I felt anger all the way through. I would NOT want to tangle with her.

    "all moms' warned"... doesn't need the apostrophe

    the "love em leave em" nickname at the end might read better with hyphens in it? My brain stumbled over it. (could be just my brain though)

    Also the repeated consonants in Black Brain Bucket and Pretty Peace makes that sentence a bit of a tongue teaser as well. I like the image your describing but I think you could use words that flow better.

    Otherwise, I want to know the REAL reason she doesnt like Sully. love triangle perhaps? At any rate, I'd turn the page.

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