My son almost choked to death and my dad had a heart attack.
That's how my week started. I had to give my three-year-old the Heimlich, after watching him flail and make a soundless, gasping-like fish face while turning an eerily sick purple, grabbing his little throat. Thank goodness, he's okay now, but we're all still a little emotionally traumatized. I hope that no other parent has to face that kind of moment or feel what I felt then, watching my poor three-year-old and the fear register in his eyes. Grateful is not a strong enough word to describe how I feel about knowing CPR and the Heimlich.
But then the next day, my dad found out he had had a heart attack at the start of a stress test and was instructed (after refusing an ambulance) to go to the emergency room right away. He followed that up with "I'm going to get your mom an iced tea and then to pay some bills, first..".
We finally convinced him to go and he's been in the hospital ever since. At first, he was admitted under the care of his cardiologist at our local hospital (a hospital I have no faith in due to a previous issue--or four), but things snowballed, BIG TIME, and now he's at one of the best hospitals in the world under the care of a dream team of doctors, scheduled for open heart surgery.
Have I mentioned that in his 65 years on this planet, this will be his first ever surgery as well as his first ever stay in a hospital? Or that he is my absolute rock of a parent and I have no idea how to handle any of this? The idea of my super-hero dad going under such a huge procedure with complications in the background posing threats is not one anyone relishes. It's downright terrifying and makes my chest clench and eyes water. He's not just my dad; he's my kids' Papa, a second father to my husband, one of my very best friends, and the only person I trust completely aside from my husband.
He has literally been there for me and my family whenever we've needed him. And now, he's faced with this and all I can do is sit back, lend my support and entrust doctors to save his heart. I have to watch my mom, his partner of almost 40 years, cope and witness the person who's cared for her all these years suddenly unable to leave a hospital for fear he may have a massive coronary. Knowing that the love of her life is in this situation and trying to put myself in her shoes, to feel what she may be feeling... It's plum horrid. She's terrified, too.
Feeling this kind of helpless and despair... It's indescribable to those who haven't been through it with their own parent while trying to help the other out along the journey.
To get to why I'm writing this post, though. First, I ask (beg) that you keep him in your thoughts and send positive vibes his way (and prayers, too, if that's something you believe in).
Second, I've decided after everything with my baby boy and now my father, there is no more time to wait around for SOURCE to be agented and subsequently published in the traditional manner. I'm going to self publish it. If people love it, awesome. If people hate it, sure, that sucks, but I appreciate the effort. Time doesn't stop moving for anything. I want to write and I want people to read the stories I pour out of my soul on to page. The amount of work and love and effort I've devoted to this particular story... It's unfair to wait around any longer on telling Lexi's story outside of my laptop.
That's all it is for me right now. Getting the work that I've given so much of myself to, the work that dominates all my passion outside of my family, out there for others to read. I'll continue to work on my other projects, maybe continue to query with those, but as for SOURCE, its time to shine is here. I have to push this baby bird out of the nest and hope that'll fly high.
Any advice for me on the self-publishing front? I'd love to hear it!
Depending on how the next few days go, I hope to be back with another post before the end of 2015. If not, I wish you and yours a very wonderful holiday season and a prosperous 2016. I have so much love for all of you. "Everyday is a gift, so appreciate the present." <3