Much, much more has been happening. So much more than any person should ever have to deal with, let alone, deal with after everything my family and I have already been through. I feel like I am slowly going insane. And a few days ago, when I thought I was having a heart attack (seriously, chest pain and arm tingling, it was scary) I actually laughed and thought "I know I asked for a break, but I didn't mean like this.". Life truly has a sick sense of humor.
Anyway, I'm okay. It was stress and anxiety, and I have it under control. For now.
You're probably thinking "Man, this chick is bumming me out". I promise you, I'm not trying to. Nor am I trying to gain your sympathy. What I hope is that your laughing and shaking your head, good-naturedly, wondering "what possibly could go wrong for her next?". Because that's the point of insanity I've reached. So please, laugh with me. I feel like I'm at rock bottom, so really, it's only up from here!!! I have to laugh, cause then when I look back on these past few years and start writing about them in what will be surely thought of as crazy fiction, I won't feel so bad about the padded room I'm residing in.
All I want to do is get back to writing full time. Get back the burning passion, that pit of excitement when new characters introduce themselves, or the whir of a crazy plot twist that takes my breath away, knocking me on my butt. I miss that. I crave that. I NEED THAT.
Another part of my list for the first part of 2014 was to perfect my query and submit to at least 5 agents. Life changed that plan. I don't think I can possibly handle that kind of immense pressure right now. I need to be there for my son, my family, as we face all these challenges. So... I'm reconsidering self-publishing, at least one of my novels, for now. Traditional publishing is the dream, but only one of them. The ultimate dream is to have my work read and enjoyed. I can do that. I think I need to. I need validation that this dream is achievable.
Is my list out the window? No, definitely not. I can't give it the attention I thought I'd be able to when I made it, is all. And who knows; the next few weeks, everything could change again, but for the better for once. That could be the insanity speaking, of course, but hey, I have to keep hope alive! To help motivate myself and to remember why that hope should remain, I'll be re-reading the books that inspire me, sporting some accessories that will always remind me to keep chasing my dreams at full speed, and listening to the music that makes me feel alive with emotions. I want to make 2014's goals happen--the timetable just has to be tweaked.
Thank you for all your support, encouragement, and tolerance. You may not know it, but you guys help inspire and motivate me, too. I'll never forget that.
Hey, feel well, take care of yourself, and know that the rest of 2014 will get better. All the best!ReplyDelete
Bad stuff seems to come in waves. Hugs to you!ReplyDelete
The intensity will subside, and you will look back knowing you were totally engaged in what mattered most, your son and the rest of your family. As far as your book, no decision has to be made this instant, so why not wait and take the urgency down a notch? You may still decide to self publish, but you might wish you had given yourself more time -- whether that time turns into sending out those five sparkling queries, or having the mental space to focus completely on design, edits, etc. for a self-published book -- both approaches need time/space to grow properly.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Ditto to what Sarah Floyd said. I don't have expertise, but I would think that self-publishing would involve MORE intense pressure than sending out queries.ReplyDelete
Re-reading books that inspire, your accessories, and listening to music--sounds like a brilliant plan IMO. Your projects and dreams won't get up and run away while you're focused on family health. I hope you are giving yourself credit for all you have handled and overcome. I wish you and your family all the best for the rest of 2014!