TITLE: The Blame Collector
GENRE: YA Fantasy
LOGLINE: With her execution imminent, 16-year-old Selby, who everyone believes brought a curse upon the land by killing her cousin, decides to save herself and her people by using black magic to raise her cousin from the dead, with disastrous consequences. The Blame Collector journeys to remedy the horror that Selby has unleashed, while Selby herself works frantically to solve the mysteries of her past--before the ax falls.
FIRST 250:
The black robes were like the shiny black surface of a tar pit, ghostly hands protruding with sharp nails. Poison green eyes gleaming from beneath a heavy hood.
A demon come to take her away.
Tap, tap, tap. Each step forward a warning.
Air swirled around the black robes, billowing them out. The candle on the table flickered.
The curtain ripped from its rod and fluttered to the Blame Collector’s feet. “You cannot hide from me, child.”
Selby pulled her little legs tighter into her body, her chin tucked behind her knees as she tried to push further into the corner. She was only six years old, but she had already done the worst thing in the world.
“For what you have done, I curse you,” the Blame Collector growled. “There will be suffering in this land because of you. Still, I will give you ten years to repent, to rid yourself of your evil. If you fail, you will be subject to whatever punishment the lady of Yarrow sees fit.”
The ghostly hands clapped together. The candle blew out. The air in the room grew still, sticky, warm, like heart’s blood turned to vapor.
Then the robes swished against the flagstones as the dark figure disappeared into the night-black hallway, leaving the little girl alone with her curse.
Your logline is intriguing, but feels a little wordy. This is an idea to help it flow better:
ReplyDeleteWith her execution imminent, 16 yr Selby struggles to save herself and her people from a land curse by using black magic to raise the cousin she’s accused of killing. The Blame Collector journeys to remedy the horror that Selby has unleashed, while Selby herself works frantically to solve the mysteries of her past – before the ax falls.
I love the first 250 words! It gave me chills and definitely made me want to read more. Selby as a 6 year-old is heartbreaking. The only thing I would change is making your first two lines less passive. Something like this:
Shiny black robes, like the surface of a tar pit, drifted toward Selby with ghostly hands protruding. Sharp nails reached for her while poison green eyes gleamed from beneath a heavy hood.
The rest of the post is strong. Great writing!
Love the premise, but I think a little more work is needed. I'll start with the logline. First, you say, "...who everyone believes brought a curse upon the land..." yet in the first 250 words, it clearly shows the reader young Selby DID bring a curse to the land. So the logline should read something like: All because she killed her cousin, the Blame Collector has place a curse on sixteen-year-old (always spell it out) Selby and her people's lands, and now her execution's been set! Selby must work frantically to solve the mysteries of her past, and decides to raise her cousin from the dead. This proves disastrous. Now the Blame Collector must return to remedy the horror Shelby has unleashed.
ReplyDeleteOr, something to that effect.
I wouldn't start the story out with "The" and not attach the black robes to an owner. Don't make the reader wait. "The robes" belong to the the Blame Collector, just say that. "The Blame Collector's black robes..."
Also, I would change, "The curtain..." to "A curtain.."
Love the line, "like heart's blood turned to vapor."
Also, the last paragraph is awkward. If it's "night-black" how can she see all this detail? Suggestion, change to, "..dark hallway..."
Also, no need to start the paragraph with, "Then" just delete.
Otherwise, good job. I'm drawn in and would definitely keep reading.
While I found the log line a bit confusing, I'm interested in the journey this Selby must take. I'm not sure whose POV we are looking at here. If it's Selby's, I like to see her young reaction to what is going on. I feel disconnected from her as the protag and some emotional bits could really make this pop.
ReplyDeleteI like the logline! The story sounds like it would be a fun read!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening. My suggestion would be to add in a little more of the MC's internal thoughts, feelings. IMO it feels a little detached, as if it's being told by an unconcerned narrator. I think by including more of the MC's feelings, emotions, and POV, this very frightening and intriguing scene would really come alive. Just my two cents of course!
Comments in parentheses.
ReplyDeleteLOGLINE: With her execution imminent, 16-year-old Selby, who everyone believes brought a curse upon the land by killing her cousin, decides to save herself and her people by using black magic to raise her cousin from the dead, with disastrous consequences. The Blame Collector journeys to remedy the horror that Selby has unleashed, while Selby herself works frantically to solve the mysteries of her past--before the ax falls. (I think this is a super interesting concept, but that there's too much happening here. What's the main, over arching plot of the book? Is there a way to combine what feels like separate ideas? Is the mystery of her past necessary? Or would leaving it at what she's done be enough?)
FIRST 250:
The black robes were like the shiny black surface of a tar pit, ghostly hands protruding with sharp nails. Poison green eyes gleaming ('gleamed' would work better.) from beneath a heavy hood.
A demon come to take her away.
Tap, tap, tap. Each step forward a warning. (These are all fragments and I'm assuming they're stylistic, but they're so close to being sentences that it reads like a typo at first. I'll read the rest then come back to this to see how it feels in the context of all 250. It might fit more if I were more familiar with your ms, so feel free to disregard this.)
Air swirled around the black robes, billowing them out. The candle on the table flickered.
The curtain ripped from its rod and fluttered to the Blame Collector’s (This is an excellent title. It's perfectly concise but interesting.) feet. “You cannot hide from me, child.”
Selby pulled her little legs tighter into her body, her chin tucked behind her knees as she tried to push further into the corner. She was only six years old, but she had already done the worst thing in the world. (Now that I know she's 6 the sentences make more sense.)
“For what you have done, I curse you,” the Blame Collector growled. “There will be suffering in this land because of you. Still, I will give you ten years to repent, to rid yourself of your evil. If you fail, you will be subject to whatever punishment the lady (I think it should be 'Lady'.) of Yarrow sees fit.”
The ghostly hands clapped together. The candle blew out. The air in the room grew still, sticky, warm, like heart’s blood turned to vapor.
Then the robes swished against the flagstones as the dark figure disappeared into the night-black hallway, leaving the little girl alone with her curse. (Look out for commas!)
(So, I'm super interested in this concept, and I hope I see more one day. Good luck!)
Thanks for the comments!! Definitely will be integrating them!
ReplyDeleteWhoa, how come NO ONE caught the fact that in the log line it says Selby is 16-years-old, but in the story she's six!
ReplyDeletePerhaps they assumed that the story would fast-forward from this point? (How does one write a YA with a six-year-old as a MC?) It's a prologue. I may or may not start with it, but it is the first 250 words. The same goes for the seeming inconsistency you pointed out earlier: Selby appears to be guilty but is not. I am uncertain that I can make a statement that is directly false in the log line, which is why it is worded the way it is.
ReplyDeleteIs it really okay to lie in the log line?
I have a question that relates to this: can the Blame Collector be wrong? This knowledge isn't necessary for the 250 or logline, but I'd like to know just to get a feel of the story to know where to go with them. Is the Blame Collector a supernatural entity, a person appointed, or some guy with a hood handing out curses as he pleases?
DeleteIt's fine, superb, that this isn't addressed. Unreliable narration is so thrilling.
I'm simply curious.