Friday, March 29, 2013

March Test Run #3


TITLE: Watch Me
GENRE: MG Contemporary

Silence is a decent shield. But as weapons go, it’s crap. So Nick Anders created three simple Rules for surviving the bus ride. It was still a nightmare but a tolerable one. He was open to refining the Rules, and there may be a need to create more.

But the Rules had worked. So far.

Nick leaned his head against the dingy window glass. Ahead, the blacktop cut a ribbon through the hills of upstate New York. It was warm for September and the leaves had not started to change. A squirrel darted across the road, dodging the front tires of the bus with only an inch to spare. Nick wondered if the dumb squirrel appeared brave because it was stupid. Or maybe its decision appeared stupid because it was brave. Either way, what was it trying to prove? 

The bus announced the next stop with an ear-splitting squeal of the brakes. Nick watched the brave/stupid squirrel skitter up a tree and disappear.

For the last year, he had been working on his system for being invisible. He’d made good progress in sixth grade. But he was determined to improve his Rules this year in seventh grade. 

Rule One: never make eye contact. When the bus stopped at the end of his lane, Nick climbed on with his eyes glued to his scuffed tennis shoes.  

Rule Two: avoid the back of the bus at all costs.

12 comments:

  1. I love your opening paragraph. I immediately get a sense of what your story is about.

    My only concern is the tense inconsistency. I wonder if you should change it all to past tense. (Silence was a decent shield. But as a weapon, it was crap. etc.)

    I got a little tripped up on this part: Nick wondered if the dumb squirrel appeared brave because it was stupid. Or maybe its decision appeared stupid because it was brave. Either way, what was it trying to prove?

    I like that we can see a bit of his thinking, but it might not be a good idea to have any first page lines that trip the reader or cause us to have to re-read it. (Of course, it might just be me with the problem.)

    I love the Rules! I want to know Rule 3!

    Nice job! Good luck!

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  2. Interesting start and I like the idea about the three rules. You certainly work to create empathy with your mc. I do wonder whether you could streamline and reorder your opening a little. You start by mentioning the rules, but then I get a little impatient when you then cut to a paragraph of description about the squirrel. Could the squirrel being brave/stupid give us another insight about your mc, or those who are persecuting him?

    Best of luck!

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  3. I liked this. I wanted to know the rules as soon as you mentioned them though and did feel annoyed that they weren't listed until the end of the page and they weren't all there (I'm assuming). While I loved the internal thoughts about the squirrel (which I didn't have a problem understanding and enjoyed getting to know how Nick thinks a bit), I would rather know the rules first. Other than that and Dana E.'s suggestion about the tense, I have nothing to suggest. Good start. Good luck!

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  4. I think the most pressing thing on this is editing, There's voice, developed characters, and a clear sense of where it's going, but it's still a little rough.

    The first paragraph starts out well, but the tense switching and way the sentences are constructed makes it a little clunky. Try streamlining the sentences.

    Silence is a decent shield, but a crap weapon. It wasn't enough to help Nick Anders survive the bus ride, so he created the Rules. With the Rules the ride was only a nightmare.

    It doesn't have to be that, but try different structures to pace it. Reading aloud helps with things like this. I took out the second conjunction because it was the second 'but'. Vary the structure to fit the feelings.

    I agree with everyone else that you should introduce the rules earlier. Is there a way to introduce them by showing them at work?

    Good job and good luck with this!

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  5. I agree with the others commentary. I understood the squirrel comment but I don't think its necessary to leave in. I would put the rules in at the very beginning.

    Good job and good luck!

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  6. I like the squirrel commentary. It gives me a sense of the mc's conflicting thoughts. There was a little tense thing, easy to clear up. (I do this all the time.) I think he's climbing off the bus looking at his scuff-right? Dunno. I like this, I really like it! Best of Luck.

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  7. With much respect to the other commenters, I loved the brave-stupid squirrel! I thought it was a brilliant visual image of how the mc thinks. To tighten it, think about taking out the question, "Either way, what was it trying to prove?" Adding "...what was it trying to prove?" dilutes the impact of the brave vs. stupid question.

    I agree with others about re-structuring with the rules up front. Perhaps something like this:

    Silence is a decent shield. But as weapons go, it’s crap. So Nick Anders created three simple Rules for surviving the bus ride.

    Rule One: never make eye contact. When the bus stopped at the end of his lane, Nick climbed on with his eyes glued to his scuffed tennis shoes.

    Rule Two: avoid the back of the bus at all costs.

    Rule Three:

    The rules had worked. So far.

    (This seemed unnecessary and slowed the pace > "It was still a nightmare but a tolerable one. He was open to refining the Rules, and there may be a need to create more.")

    Great premise, interesting mc and moments of brilliance -- I'm hooked!


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  8. Silence is a decent shield. But as weapons go, it’s crap.

    Love this. These 2 short lines tell us tons about Nick's character. Look forward to reading more!

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  9. I love the opening paragraph. It totally drew me.

    I don't mind the squirrel bit at all. I actually think it's cute and adds nice voice.

    And by the way, me heart aches for the MC already. Poor kid wants to be invisible. Can I hug him?

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  10. Sure enjoyed it! Tough to deliver much in 500 words, but I started to get a sense for Nick. I assume you had to cut it off before revealing Rule Three. I was really curious to find out what that was!

    I liked the squirrel appearance and how it gave you a chance to show the reader about Nick's character.

    I felt there was some inconsistency in the verb tenses, so you might re-read with a careful eye on that.

    My biggest impression was that it felt choppy, like pieces that had been snapped together, almost in the right order but slightly off. You might try rewriting it in a few different ways just to see what works best. I thought starting at "Nick leaned his head..." would be more effective, since it felt like the first two paragraphs were prologue-y. The jump from paragraph 2 to 3 gives the reader an excuse to put it down, IMO.

    Good luck!
    Jeff

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  11. A huge thank you for all of your comments. I've been reworking this opening for so long but now I have a clearer path forward.

    For those of you who were curious, Rule Three is Don't Talk to Anyone. And whether it's because he's brave or stupid (sometimes its hard to tell the difference), Nick breaks all the Rules by the end of Chapter 1.

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  12. Thank you all for the wonderful comments! I have been reworking this opening for so long, but now I have a clearer path forward.

    For those of you who were curious, Rule Three is Don't Talk to Anyone. And because he is either brave or stupid (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference), Nick breaks all the Rules by the end of Chapter 1.

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