tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post7191667876127507363..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #16K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-79937384674824956712012-12-18T05:39:17.331-05:002012-12-18T05:39:17.331-05:00Thanks so much for commenting my entry (#3!)
I ha...Thanks so much for commenting my entry (#3!)<br /><br />I have to agree with the commenters about simplying your logline. See if you can shorten it to approx. 35 words describing the protoganist, conflict, and what's at stake.<br /><br />I didn't understand part of your first sentence "with hate caked under their fingernails." What is hate caked? I googled it but couldn't find an explanation.<br /><br />I also have to agree with the others about "mincemeat of dread" because it brought me confusion.<br /><br />There is solid writing and personally, I would read further but that's because I love fantasy!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-3418730943105220092012-12-17T23:05:07.259-05:002012-12-17T23:05:07.259-05:00Consensus confirmed.
It'll suck whittling my ...Consensus confirmed.<br /><br />It'll suck whittling my sub-plots out of future loglines, but if I must...<br /><br />Thanx, M4L.Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-14135872574464107692012-12-17T22:58:10.010-05:002012-12-17T22:58:10.010-05:00I'm seeing consensus here.
Trim logline. Dump...I'm seeing consensus here.<br /><br />Trim logline. Dump mincemeat. Improve POV.<br /><br />Thanx, DJ.Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-54125307477166770522012-12-17T22:54:50.538-05:002012-12-17T22:54:50.538-05:00Thanx, A.M.P.
My logline is bloated. I'll hav...Thanx, A.M.P.<br /><br />My logline is bloated. I'll have to work on that.<br /><br />I have read my first page a thousand times, and not once did I pick up on the POV issue. Wow.<br /><br />I love the mincemeat line but if it pulls people out ... ahh, murdering the darlings is so hard.<br /><br />Cheers.Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-68495395895728553502012-12-17T19:52:13.531-05:002012-12-17T19:52:13.531-05:00Your logline reads more like a synopsis. It seems ...Your logline reads more like a synopsis. It seems like you are having trouble deciding on what aspect of the plot to focus. Don't worry so much about packing in details of your mc. Instead concentrate on the stakes and plot. He has to do this or this happens.<br /><br />First 250:<br /><br />I was confused about whose head I should be in in your opening page. The sentence with 'could not remove the scent of their prey' made me think the first page was in the POV of one of these three boys. Then the next part makes it clear they are not the POV character. It was misleading.<br /><br />'Mincemeat of dread' stands out and not in a good way. On the other hand, 'hate caked under their fingernails' was brilliant.Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-41213550685594394762012-12-17T16:23:04.948-05:002012-12-17T16:23:04.948-05:00A.M. Perkins pretty much covered what I was thinki...A.M. Perkins pretty much covered what I was thinking. The "mincemeat" really pulled me away from the story. I liked the "hate caked under their fingernails" line, but got confused, thinking it was our MC we were first talking about. The POV shift needs work, as stated above.<br /><br />And yes, the logline. Simplify! Cut out the 12-word dragon name, for instance. The only name you probably need is the MC's. You've definitely got an interesting story, and one I would want to read, but you need to cut your logline to about a third of what it is.<br /> <br />I'm no logline queen myself, so good luck with that! And I do really like your story. It just needs a bit of editing, no big deal. Keep it up! DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-31304927024588103432012-12-17T14:40:51.055-05:002012-12-17T14:40:51.055-05:00Logline: Feels like information overload. It sou...Logline: Feels like information overload. It sounds like an interesting story - and I can see where all those details will come into play in the full-length novel - but it seems like way too much for a logline.<br /><br />1st 250: I'm not a big reader of epic fantasy, so I may just not be familiar with the style, but some of the prose seems a bit overwrought - "packed his belly with the mincemeat of dread," for instance. Again, this may just be my unfamiliarity with the genre, but it drew my attention away from your story and towards the mechanics of the writing.<br /><br />I noticed a POV shift here - the first paragraph is in the POV of the bullies, then it shifts to Munjin. I thought at first it was intended to be Munjin observing the bullies, but then you have him waking up when he hears his name. If it's a 3rd person limited narrative, you may want to look at that. Also, the first sentence mentions three bullies, whereas your last sentence says there are five.<br /><br />As always, this all just MHO, so please use or disregard as you see fit.A. M. Perkinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08680290781463023921noreply@blogger.com