tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post67008587274122223..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: February Test Run #1K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-36185974474906378212013-02-28T20:19:29.955-05:002013-02-28T20:19:29.955-05:00Awesome comments, everyone! This is a brand new op...Awesome comments, everyone! This is a brand new opening I decided to play around with. My original was completely different. I think what I lose is some of the character development with Asher with this new beginning. It does get us to the action a bit sooner, but I still want to find a happy medium between the two.<br /><br />Thanks again!<br /><br />I'm off to lurk around in the other entries' first 250!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01393809664039054658noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-35638796510001490732013-02-27T21:50:01.320-05:002013-02-27T21:50:01.320-05:00The first two sentences really had me hooked. Grea...The first two sentences really had me hooked. Great first lines!<br /><br />I do feel like there are a few too many emotions/tones going on in this scene and I'm feeling disconnected from the character as a result. Asher's voice comes across as humorous and slightly curious, with attention to detail. I'm intrigued about the door and I want to know more. But then he discusses his father's death almost flippantly and it kinda throws me a bit. <br /><br />Maybe introduce his dad's death later? Provide some emotional buildup to that moment so that the reader can see that he's distraught/conflicted/trying to cope but they don't initially know why. Carissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10594436685900756259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-57358399107717735332013-02-27T17:11:17.027-05:002013-02-27T17:11:17.027-05:00I was stopped in my treks on the third paragraph, ...I was stopped in my treks on the third paragraph, as I was reading the first two I thought the story was going to be in the first person, I don't know why but it just threw me.<br />I'm also not sure what the last line meant? I'm sure it'll become clearer later, perhaps there's a way to clear that up so it fits in the first 250...just a suggestion!<br /><br />Good luck!KarenHarterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16106625152436627828noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-71928911109314679772013-02-27T16:49:13.322-05:002013-02-27T16:49:13.322-05:00I really like the tight writing! Maybe too much in...I really like the tight writing! Maybe too much info about the door without reaction & feelings about it. It's obviously an important day to him in more ways that one...didn't get the best visual of the picture on his shoe, but have a feeling there is much more fun to come!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-80928592597182889112013-02-27T15:31:37.018-05:002013-02-27T15:31:37.018-05:00I agree with Julia. Maybe all you need is a commen...I agree with Julia. Maybe all you need is a comment about how did he manage to draw the locker next to the creepy door 4 years in a row. That should move the reader's attention to the locker, books, and the rest of the scene.<br /><br />The last line on the page threw me off. Is the picture on the pin on his shoe?Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-25694177345586430172013-02-27T11:04:43.992-05:002013-02-27T11:04:43.992-05:00I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect betw...I feel like there's a bit of a disconnect between the description of the door and then Asher's actions--I want a little more prelude between the door and Asher tearing his eyes away from it. Otherwise, this is really strong. Good luck!Julia Byershttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com