tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post5488931324693340810..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #3K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-68017750634418601312012-12-18T05:11:16.088-05:002012-12-18T05:11:16.088-05:00Ooops, it's a MG fantasy :)
Thank you so much...Ooops, it's a MG fantasy :)<br /><br />Thank you so much for all your comments, much appreciated!<br /><br />They've helped me in understanding why the first 250 words are not "hooky".<br /><br />I will take your feedback into account for the revison.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-28490112121272486642012-12-17T23:51:28.410-05:002012-12-17T23:51:28.410-05:00The logline intrigued me with the Asian names alon...The logline intrigued me with the Asian names alone. I'm tired of Arthurian and Celtic fantasy realms.<br /><br />I got hung up on the magic crossbow as tool to conquer the world though. I'm familiar with the Ark of the Covenant and other objects that make an army invincible, but all I can imagine with a crossbow is it being really good at killing one person. I'm sure your story elaborates ... but for the logline, I suggest using "powerful artifact" for crossbow.<br /><br />I see a lot of telling instead of showing. You state that Linh wanted to break out of her life. Okay, but show us. Have Linh doodle elves and dragons INSTEAD of her homework (and THEN have her mom chastise her for it). <br /><br />Would love to read about non-European creatures! Keep at it!<br /><br />Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-67641941543901059502012-12-17T20:44:51.506-05:002012-12-17T20:44:51.506-05:00I'm curious about the age of your intended aud...I'm curious about the age of your intended audience. It sounds like Middle Grade-were you intending this for ages 10-13? (Do older kids go to summer camp?) <br /><br />The query is great, but I think the first paragraph needs to be stronger. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I thought things slowed way down because of it. I hope this helps you!Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03709765480911390955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-26334484488783328172012-12-17T16:44:56.348-05:002012-12-17T16:44:56.348-05:00This sounds like YA fantasy to me. I was a little ...This sounds like YA fantasy to me. I was a little confused by the genre, expecting an adult MC. Your pitch did make me curious as to what this crossbow can do.<br /><br />Some things that stood out to me in your opening page:<br /><br />'She heard soft footsteps ...' is a type of filtering which adds unnecessary words. You could go straight to "Soft footsteps approached the study room."<br /><br />Horseback riding is not allowed, but drawing is okay. I'm not seeing the difference between these. Why is horseback riding outlawed? Is her mother afraid of her getting hurt? I think a little more detail here might be important.<br /><br /><br /><br /> Michelle 4 Laughshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06876457259362839114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-60662652956055299772012-12-17T11:50:05.023-05:002012-12-17T11:50:05.023-05:00Your logline seems interesting. Your first 250 wo...Your logline seems interesting. Your first 250 words don't jump out and grab me (based purely on story) but they do introduce the MC well. Overall the writing is solid.<br /><br />I don't get why the mom is happy with the drawing though. I would have thought she would have been upset since the MC wasn't doing her homework.Jill Heidingerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01681130618658339277noreply@blogger.com