tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post313749343408895315..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #5K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-12485836577223831172012-12-18T14:29:53.545-05:002012-12-18T14:29:53.545-05:00Really love the premise of your story! In your log...Really love the premise of your story! In your logline, I think it's reading the words, "Azra does" so close after the title "Becoming Jinn" is what got me thinking they were two different people, until I read the very next line. :) Maybe if you include her whole name right away? Like, "Wishing doesn’t make it so — Azra Jinn does. Turning sixteen opens the door to her ancestry..."<br /><br />Your first 250 reeled me in- love the voice, can relate to wanting to stay in bed and the bracelet appearing is fascinating. I would definitely keep reading!<br /><br />Rina Heiselhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16428957510374534772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-84699635356419214732012-12-17T22:46:51.748-05:002012-12-17T22:46:51.748-05:00Yeah, genies! Vampires, werewolves and angels are ...Yeah, genies! Vampires, werewolves and angels are so overdone.<br /><br />"Azra" in the logline confused me too. I thought you were talking about a god named Azra. Maybe something closer to: "Wishes never bring happiness. Especially from my end. I'm a genie. Or, I will be. Maybe."<br /><br />I liked the use of multiple senses. Everyone can relate to wanting to stay in bed.<br /><br />Once the bangle showed up, I was hooked.<br /><br />Keep at it!Scribble Ninjahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08647864024496048217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-48236844828793010712012-12-17T19:43:40.696-05:002012-12-17T19:43:40.696-05:00The beginning of your logline confused me a little...The beginning of your logline confused me a little. I think you could lose that first sentence since anyone unfamiliar with your book doesn't know what it means or who Azra is.<br /><br />Your writing is strong, although I thought the first few paragraphs were a little slow with her laying in bed not wanting to wake up. You hooked me once she saw the silver bangle on her wrist.<br /><br />Good luck!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-30872546162899383222012-12-17T18:17:23.113-05:002012-12-17T18:17:23.113-05:00I like this too! I would definitely keep reading....I like this too! I would definitely keep reading. One silly observation is that if she has an intolerance for cold…why have the window open all night? However, I like how the sneeze triggers the day… I also think you are on to something here with genies! It’s a great way to bring magic back to the crowds who crave it. Good luck!HHornerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18395752549497052275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-63134552567064646692012-12-17T11:57:12.378-05:002012-12-17T11:57:12.378-05:00I like this! I was a little confused from just re...I like this! I was a little confused from just reading your logline- I wasn't familiar with Jinn and I felt like the writing could be tightened.<br /><br />Your first 250 words though really drew me in. I love the premise too. A genie. totally cool.JillHeidnoreply@blogger.com