tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post2487303817645632780..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #37K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-36239057781671342742012-12-20T07:17:15.989-05:002012-12-20T07:17:15.989-05:00The logline does a good job at showing the quirkin...The logline does a good job at showing the quirkiness and humor I expect to find in your story; however, it doesn't do the job it's supposed to. In concise words, tell me the Character, Conflict, Decision, and Stakes. You can throw in a splash of setting and action to make it really interesting, but the random, conversational tone needs to change.<br /><br />As for the excerpt, I think, with a little tightening, it could be stellar. Like others mentioned, there is a little too much detail. Also, try to make sure you don't use the same words too closely together (anklet-as mentioned before, gold-twice in consecutive sentences).<br /><br />And no one else mentioned this, but I couldn't exactly picture where/how she was walking on those stairs. You wrote: "wooden stair which wound in a spiral around the outside of the tower...across the square landing of oak planks." First, I envisioned a castle tower--something akin to Rapunzel's or the rickety tower from The Sword in the Stone where Merlin stayed with owl. I can't tell if she's going up the stairs or down. At first, I thought down, which meant tripping would be frightening because she might tumble to her death. Then I thought up, because she had folded laundry in the basket and not dirty, so unless they have a clothesline between turrets, she must be bringing them back to their owner. But then she spills on a landing and I'm not sure if it's at the top, bottom or somewhere in the middle...which, admittedly, would be weird because spiral stairs don't normally have a landing in the middle, but I just couldn't tell for sure.<br /><br />I did really like your writing. :)Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-66290993058025766542012-12-19T01:42:42.484-05:002012-12-19T01:42:42.484-05:00Your logline has some fun, fascinating ideas, but ...Your logline has some fun, fascinating ideas, but is a bit confusing - but who cares, because I LOVE that the heroine has been magicked up from a rabbit! Fantastic. <br /><br />Your first page is great too, the only thing I'd suggest is not having the word 'anklet' repeated so many times. Otherwise, this is very good writing and scene-setting.Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-84568958160585983212012-12-18T15:40:35.527-05:002012-12-18T15:40:35.527-05:00As Heartfelt says the mutated possums etc have to ...As Heartfelt says the mutated possums etc have to come from somewhere - Where? and Why? That needs to go up front in your logline. And explain who Garrett is. <br /><br />I thought the writing was sometimes awkward - the word anklet or a reference to it was in nearly every paragraph. Having said that I liked the quirkiness of the premise and the last line is a killer - in the best way.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-19349239401321781362012-12-18T03:11:49.492-05:002012-12-18T03:11:49.492-05:00The logline is confusing. It starts in the middle ...The logline is confusing. It starts in the middle of an idea and doesn't explain where the mutated possums or nursery rhyming cows come from. I'm guessing the increase in radiation is the problem, and ordinary cows are desirable even if boring. Though funny, it's too oblique. Loglines are so hard to write.<br />I enjoy this story so far and would like to read more, but I think the first sentence should be "A wink of gold glittered in the sun." Then continue with the anklet jangling, etc. You'll have to fiddle with this a bit should you decide to go this route, but a description of the anklet should be stated as soon as it's introduced. Little Bit is a gutsy creature, but I'm not convinced that Garrett should be the name of a wicked mage. Of course, maybe he isn't wicked at all. Keep working on this; it's a story well worth the effort.Heartfeltnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-11846778755859963762012-12-17T22:30:48.489-05:002012-12-17T22:30:48.489-05:00The logline feels stilted. Almost like you're ...The logline feels stilted. Almost like you're talking about two different stories. The bit about not being a hero, in particular, seems not to jive with the rest. <br /><br />I like the writing in the first page, but it feels like there's too much detail here. I'm not really interested in the fact that the landing is made of oak, I'd rather know more about the MC and her mysterious anklet. Lovely feel to it though. :)A.G. Carpenterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07625944977710830629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-43146129099147687422012-12-17T21:02:53.905-05:002012-12-17T21:02:53.905-05:00I liked your writing (a lot!) but unlike the other...I liked your writing (a lot!) but unlike the others, the log line really threw me. Sorry! Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03709765480911390955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-88986555810332974752012-12-17T14:05:58.711-05:002012-12-17T14:05:58.711-05:00I love the voice. Your first page was a pleasure t...I love the voice. Your first page was a pleasure to read.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-79122010223071956032012-12-17T11:15:38.204-05:002012-12-17T11:15:38.204-05:00Great logline and opening! The last paragraph was ...Great logline and opening! The last paragraph was especially delightful. I get a whimsical yet apocalyptic fairytale vibe from your logline that I hope carries through the rest of the book. More, please!yellow post-itnoreply@blogger.com