tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post1743480350792480096..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #7K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-54522503007053803492012-12-18T13:49:23.625-05:002012-12-18T13:49:23.625-05:00Not big on the explanation of the slang. Otherwise...Not big on the explanation of the slang. Otherwise, I really like this, and the log line totally hooked me. Good luck!Juliahttp://www.juliathewritergirl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-34746978257021704212012-12-18T11:48:59.605-05:002012-12-18T11:48:59.605-05:00This looks great. Touching on what HHorner said, t...This looks great. Touching on what HHorner said, there are a couple of spots where your MC seems aware of the reader. The slang is one, and the comparison to his uncle's finger is another. The way it reads now, it seemed like something he wouldn't naturally think. Maybe try something like, "Sometimes I wish I weren't as skinny as my uncle's finger." That isn't quite right either, but whatever you put, just make sure it's something that the MC would naturally think. Good luck!The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-78414058303737577732012-12-17T19:47:29.056-05:002012-12-17T19:47:29.056-05:00I agree about the slang. That part tripped me up a...I agree about the slang. That part tripped me up a little, but otherwise I thought it read well. Good luck!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-90172743165750413402012-12-17T18:36:29.179-05:002012-12-17T18:36:29.179-05:00Sounds like an interesting premise. A nitpicky th...Sounds like an interesting premise. A nitpicky thought, the uncle sounds big and tough – so it didn’t work for me that Kreith compared his thinness to that of his uncle’s finger. I think of big bulky guys as having sausage fingers, but that is just me.<br /><br />I found the paragraph explaining the slang to be cumbersome. In the preceding paragraph, you effortlessly explain the MB. The slang explanation reads as if your MC knows there is a reader out there who needs the definition. If you wrote something like: “Sounds like a val read” (when MC is talking to uncle), and then skip the slang explanation and go right to something like, “The book really will be a valuable read…” I think the reader would get the gist. I understand there is significance to the ‘resources’ part of the explanation, but this may not be the best spot to work that in.<br /><br />Good Luck!<br />HHornerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18395752549497052275noreply@blogger.com