tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post1024088254336835219..comments2023-04-23T16:33:39.062-04:00Comments on K.T. Crowley: Hangover Round 1 Entry #34K.T. Crowleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08211266985396588133noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-60829216303949909702012-12-20T12:12:26.272-05:002012-12-20T12:12:26.272-05:00Everyone is rocking my world. THANK YOU. So much l...Everyone is rocking my world. THANK YOU. So much learning is happening right now...THANK YOU!The Authorhttp://www.vanessashields.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-89757124475485502702012-12-20T09:02:04.530-05:002012-12-20T09:02:04.530-05:00I agree with what the other commenters said - it&#...I agree with what the other commenters said - it's either the heat or her anger to make her sweat. Also, the slang seemed wrong. Gag me makes me think 80s valley girl, but grill? Innercity hoodlum, maybe? I could see this kind of lingo if he was a basketball player, maybe, but a swimmer? And while the valley girl and hoodlum don't really mesh, I understand it shows just how opposite they are from each other. I just don't think it works well here. And, honestly, the slang could be dropped and not really hurt the story or the character development at this point.<br /><br />The logline just isn't working for me. I need to know Character, Conflict, Decision, and Stakes. The metaphors were interesting but confused me and not really appropriate in the logline. Also, I thought...with all the fire talk...that this would be a fantasy or paranormal or something, not contemporary.Samantha Jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02193467123499224688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-42102209012534411532012-12-18T19:46:00.234-05:002012-12-18T19:46:00.234-05:00I think the logline went a little too far with the...I think the logline went a little too far with the fire references. I had to double check to decide what referred to real fire and what not.<br /><br />I felt yucky reading about the sweaty, stinky situation, so good job there. But there was a little too much ungrounded anger. Ultimately the previous mentions over played the more genuine sounding teen snarkiness. Lighten the first couple paragraphs a bit and the rest will shine.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-43032163070140700422012-12-18T18:21:45.993-05:002012-12-18T18:21:45.993-05:00I agree that the logline seemed a bit too heavy in...I agree that the logline seemed a bit too heavy in metaphor and didn't really tell me enough of what the story is about. I was actually turned off a bit -- she is into a guy who maybe killed his parents?<br /><br />The first paragraph seems like it could use some work. Her anger made her sweat but it was so humid, wouldn't that make her sweat alone? I know you want to give a sense of her being upset at what's going on but she seems almost too angry to me in a way that could turn readers off. Just something to consider! Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-87038767834571336482012-12-18T12:58:57.650-05:002012-12-18T12:58:57.650-05:00I didn't love the logline with all the referen...I didn't love the logline with all the references to fire, not for contemporary YA. Also, there are no stakes. What does Rachel want, and what will happen if she fails?<br /><br />Your writing is strong, and I enjoyed the opening page. I think you could tighten up some of the description of the hot afternoon. It started to feel like a little too much.<br /><br />Good luck!A Little Pushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081183739979996879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-55710821580366518212012-12-17T21:23:05.198-05:002012-12-17T21:23:05.198-05:00I really enjoyed reading this. The logline works f...I really enjoyed reading this. The logline works for me too--I think for YA the puns are fine, snappy. The slang may be out of style, but I wouldn't know that or be qualified to comment on what is in or out for YA readers. The only place I felt that could use some improvement was the first paragraph. The hot and steamy language is repeated too much I think. The first sentence doesn't really do much for me to propel the story--the third brings me right to the scene. I'd just delete the first, and then switch the first and second, but that's just me. Also one stinky old man is enough for me (dealing with two is at least one too much). <br />The voice is funny and I love the brother (up in my grill-what a riot, what an older brother! Geez!) Anyway, I love Rachel already and would love to read more about what happens to her. I hope the kiss is greatly anticipated and very short. Hopefully she sees the scar on his chest when he's at swim practice or something! (Just kidding.)<br />I would not put this down.Pam Loringnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-56146251431400274152012-12-17T19:22:46.497-05:002012-12-17T19:22:46.497-05:00I wasn't sure about the puns in the logline bu...I wasn't sure about the puns in the logline but then it worked for me by the end of reading it. I was ready to feel the heat when I delved into your first 250! Despite describing a hot and humid scene, the first paragraphs felt very breezy to me and I get a sense that the narrator is going to be fun to read. I do wonder, though, if the writing might end up being too cute and difficult to sustain once the story gets going. You definitely have me interested in reading more and I can imagine picking this up as a fun beach read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1940209088259004106.post-81714500276470424102012-12-17T14:57:29.575-05:002012-12-17T14:57:29.575-05:00Your logline is a bit confusing. It comes off as a...Your logline is a bit confusing. It comes off as a fantasy with all the fire references especially since it begins with a kiss and with the burn scar revealing that Tom is Rachel's true love. It's not expressing the conflict. What does Rachel want and why can't she have it?<br /><br />The voice is strong and I like Rachel already. You might want to work on the first line though. If her anger is what is making her sweat why do you go on to describe the weather as the culprit? And I'm not sure about the tense in the "coming" home. Wouldn't that be "going" home?<br /><br />I think the slang (gag me and grill) may date the story and it would be just as effective without it. :)<br /><br />I like the premise and would keep reading. (Would love to hear your thoughts on my YA Contemporary #29) Thanks and good luck with it!Stephanie C.noreply@blogger.com